It seems like the grief roller coaster continues to be ever present in my life.  It pulls you up, then drops you down.  It twists and twirls, leaving your heart in your throat and your mind a blur.  I have moments when I feel like i'm moving upward and all of a sudden I see something, hear a song that reminds me of R and the roller coaster jolts downward and I feel like I'm falling back to where I was. The loss is painful but I know I will eventually recover.  I cling to that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn't feel it.  I know that I will not always feel as I do now. 

I have perservered with GriefShare.  Last week's class was all about wanting to know "why".  I ask God why all the time.  Why did this happen to me - to my family?   What am I supposed to learn from all of this?   He of course hasn't paved that path for me yet.  I can't help but think there must be something far better out there that he hasn't shown me yet.  I can't imagine what that might be but I guess i'm hanging on for dear life to find out.  It's very hard for me to wake up every morning and give it all to God - hard for me to tell him I need you to take this from me today... hard for me to ask "Not Why...But How"???  I'm working on that whole process.  Grieving is very hard work.  I'm hopeful that God will take all the broken pieces of my tragedy and transform them into something good.  

I have just passed my 6 month milestone.  The months just keep going faster and faster.  I get that overwhelming feeling once in a while because there is a lot to keep up with here.  I guess I have to start cleaning the house a little more than normal - I told myself when it got colder - I would feel like cleaning.  Not sure I feel like it - but none the less - it needs to be done.  

I'm already missing out on not being able to run and walk outside.  This weekend was a clear indicator that the cold air has seeped in to stay for a while.  I mowed yesterday and thought I was going to blow to Illinois with that crazy wind.   I need to get back to the gym for the winter months.  I have a nice treadmill and weights and a zillion programs I could do here but clearly not the same. I need the incentive to push myself upward and onward.    

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying.  Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful. 

Did you know that "Fear Not" is mentioned 365 times in the Bible?   Coincidence????