Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Team Bungard

Team Bungard THANKS YOU!!!!

A HUGE thank you to all who supported us doing the 5K at Out Run The Sun!  Our team was in the top three teams for fund raising.  Hearing Team Bungard over the loud speaker was pretty cool.  We couldn't of done it without you.  And to the anonymous donors -- You know who you are--Thank you very much!!  Monetary and non monetary support - every bit of it was very much appreciated.  Thank you for supporting our family.   

It was amazing to be there.  I was a little apprehensive a few days before we went down to Indianapolis - the emotions begin to take over now and then.  That quickly changed when we got to the site of the race.  It didn't take long to notice we were among a crowd of at least 600 - 700 people.  And those people with us were all there to support a common goal.   We felt blessed to be among the crowd.  It felt good to be there as a family and doing our part to help with awareness and research. We had a great time just being together creating yet another memory for us all to cherish. The memories hold more meaning now days then they used to. 

I have a group picture that is on A's camera - so when she has time from to get it to me I will be happy to share it.  We will do the race again because we fill lead to do it in Randy's memory.  I know he was there in spirit and if the tables were turned - he would be doing the same thing. 

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasurer."
(saying worn on the back of our shirts)

Stars in the Sky

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Team Bungard

                            In Randy's Memory

Thank all of you for following my blog and the tremendous support along the way.  Our family has taken on a new adventure in memory of Randy.  We will be participating as Team Bungard in the upcoming Outrun the Sun event on Sunday June 2nd in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Outrun the Sun, Inc. is dedicated to building national awareness of melanoma and other skin cancers, educating communities about preventive measures that reduce melanoma’s incidence rate, and to raising funds for melanoma research, leading to effective treatments and a cure.

Our family appreciates your time, effort, donation, prayers and most important your support.  We ask that you forward the following link to all your friends and relatives should they also be interested in supporting our team.  All donations are so important to the cause. 

The following link will take you directly to our team page, as well as links to find out more information on Outrun the Sun, Inc.

Again thank you so much for your consideration and support of Team Bungard.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Pressing Onward


I have done something that I thought would be impossible!!! I have survived an entire year without someone who was an important to me as life itself. One has to make a conscious effort to decide to move on with their life. It's very tough to put aside the last year and move forward. I will admit that the memories of the last year still sting but they are getting better. It's becoming a little easier to handle the challenges and the things that continue to slap me in the face. It's going to be that way for a long time and it's just the way it is. It's all a learning process and there is always something new to learn. I know Randy's been watching over me and giving me a pat on the back numerous times. I think he would be proud of us all as we set aside our questions of why and keep moving
toward the ultimate goal.


Now, one year later I've come to the conclusion that it's time to think about starting over. Reality has begun to set in. I go back to the saying about the 3'C's of Life.
"Choices - Chances - Changes"
"You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change".
So many times I have wondered why God would allow this to happen to my family. I can't imagine that there is something better out there than what I had but apparently there is. I would really like the plan laid out in front of me. I keep praying for that to happen but I know it's not going to. Patience is a virture - and I've learned that over and over in the last 16 months.

For tough days. . .

My life has forever changed. The dynamics of my entire family has changed. My kids and grandkids have had to find a new balance as well. But I have so many blessings and things to be thankful for. It's amazing how a tragedy can change the rest of your life. Losing Randy has definetly changed me. I'm not the same person I used to be. I look at everything differently now. Things that used to have value or deep meaning no longer do. Things are just things. Stuff is just stuff. Life takes on a whole new meaning. Are there still tears? Yes!! Is it still difficult to talk about? Yes!! Do I try to make today better than yesterday? Yes!! I take alot of deep breaths and keep my feet going in the forward motion. I try not to go backwards. I'ts a proven fact that it gets me nowhere fast!

he always makes a way

They always say time is a great healer. I have had some moments where I just wanted to give up and that's when you really have to have some face time with God. Out of my pain, God became a living reality to me as never before. I had to learn to give it to him. I had to learn to let go and let God. I've learned to give more. Give more to God - give more to my family, give more to my friends. It's an effort that I have to put forth by sharing my thoughts an feelings and that allows a little more healing to take place. A little at a time, day by day for as long as it takes. As I begin to rebuild my life that does not mean that I will forget or abandon Randy - he will always have a cherish place in my heart. I have given myself permission to live again. Living again affirms what he and I talked about while he was still on this earth. He would want me to find happiness and he would want nothing but the best for me. I won't run from my memories. I will recognize, accept and express them. I cherish everyone of them. He will always be someone very special to me whether the memories make me laugh or cry I will always have them as a conncection to him. They will keep me close to him.
 He remains in my heart wherever I go.

Death changes us, the living.  In the presence of death, we become more aware of life....It can inspire us to decide what really matters in life...and then to seek it. 

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Christmas -- 2011   Another first for my family. The Holidays without Randy.  We all escaped the traditionalism here at home and escaped to the warmth of Siesta Key, FL.   We flew non stop into Sarasota and within an hour we were  unpacked and on the warm sunny sandy beach and it was wonderful! 

This was our house.  It had 4 floors - fully furnished with everything you can imagine.  From the garage to the King Suite which was on the fourth floor was 51 steps.  It did have an elevator which was accessible from each floor so if you didn't want to do the steps you didn't have to.  But you know me - I always took the steps several times a day.  It fit us all very nicely.  Plenty of room for all the kids to do whatever they wanted.

Our Beach Shot.  Weather was warm and wonderful.  Water was a little chilly - but the kids adapted to the water temp very quickly.  It took awhile for your feet to warm up and then it wasn't so bad to stand out there in it.  The kids wanted to bring back a million shells.  But we had a weight limit on our luggage since we were flying.  :)  

We had a coolish day - we went to Casperson Beach to look for Sharks teeth. There are some serious shark teeth search teams there.   We didn't find any - but we did find this very nice lady who enjoyed all of our children.  They made a sand castle and various other things with her.  When we got ready to leave the girls gave her a hug and she melted. 

We visited the Nikomas Orange Grove and had some delicious orange ice cream - which was really enjoyed by everyone. We bought some of their fresh squeezed orange juice.  You haven't lived until you have some.  It was out of this world.  We found plenty to keep us busy in the area we were in.  Great restaurants, shopping and just some good times together.  My son keeps asking if this is a tradition now.  The verdict is still out on that one.  He gets credit for trying though.

The girls - talking about their next move.  They loved the water. They really enjoyed having several days to spend together. Little man loved the sand more than the water.
Little True baby had a great time as well.  We found his mouth coated with sand more times than we could shake a stick at.  He got to where he loved running into the water and back out. 

We left a little Hoosier Legacy at Siesta Key. 
Most people would smile because they knew exactly what we were dealing with here.

The Sunset - My favorite part of the days.  They brought back memories of better days for me. They gave me a chance to reflect on what I need to do to make the way for improvements in my life so I may be given the chance to see what God has in store for me.  I can't imagine it will be better than what I had with Randy- but I have to trust him that he knows what's best for me and be open to the opportunities that may get put in my path.  I may not of lost a limb but I will always walk with a limp with the journey I have dealt with and continue to overcome.   

01.06.12- this week has been long and rough. We have received news that we didn't want to hear. But today I cling to my Faith.

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Monday, December 19, 2011

December 19, 2011

Hard to believe that it's been over a year that the world as we knew it spiraled out of control. A year ago I was giving everyone a play by play per day on what we were going through.  It all seems like a bad dream.  Things like this always happen to someone else - not people like us.  I will never understand it all.......and it's not for me to question. 

Time just continues to move on - no matter what.  I miss Randy so  much.  It's very tough to come home to an empty quiet house every day.  I will admit somedays it feels like he is at work and I've got a few hours to get some things accomplished before he walks in the door.  And then I remember....I would give anything to have him back healthy and happy.  I have an oceanliner full of memories which I cherish.  Everybody out there needs to keep your memories alive - create new ones and keep them close to your heart. 

I'm finding plenty of things to fill my time to keep busy outside of working.  It's the only way I can keep moving forward.  Very thankful for my kids and grandkids who are my rock!  We will all be together for several days over the holidays doing something different to escape the way we always did things.  I'm looking forward to having everyone together.  I will report on what we did following the holidays.

I accomplish an entire session of GriefShare. Fourteen weeks to be exact.  I actually got to where I enjoyed going.  I learned quite a bit along the way.  I feel like it helped me in many ways.  I also made some friends with people who share my story.  We became a close group we now can call friends.  We will continue to support each other for hopefully a long time to come.

This season of "Happy -Joyful" has been a tough one for me.  I will be very glad when 2012 arrives.  It is a new chance to hopefully have a better year.  Not sure what God has planned for me.... but i'm open to finding out.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us".

Sunday, October 16, 2011

It seems like the grief roller coaster continues to be ever present in my life.  It pulls you up, then drops you down.  It twists and twirls, leaving your heart in your throat and your mind a blur.  I have moments when I feel like i'm moving upward and all of a sudden I see something, hear a song that reminds me of R and the roller coaster jolts downward and I feel like I'm falling back to where I was. The loss is painful but I know I will eventually recover.  I cling to that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn't feel it.  I know that I will not always feel as I do now. 

I have perservered with GriefShare.  Last week's class was all about wanting to know "why".  I ask God why all the time.  Why did this happen to me - to my family?   What am I supposed to learn from all of this?   He of course hasn't paved that path for me yet.  I can't help but think there must be something far better out there that he hasn't shown me yet.  I can't imagine what that might be but I guess i'm hanging on for dear life to find out.  It's very hard for me to wake up every morning and give it all to God - hard for me to tell him I need you to take this from me today... hard for me to ask "Not Why...But How"???  I'm working on that whole process.  Grieving is very hard work.  I'm hopeful that God will take all the broken pieces of my tragedy and transform them into something good.  

I have just passed my 6 month milestone.  The months just keep going faster and faster.  I get that overwhelming feeling once in a while because there is a lot to keep up with here.  I guess I have to start cleaning the house a little more than normal - I told myself when it got colder - I would feel like cleaning.  Not sure I feel like it - but none the less - it needs to be done.  

I'm already missing out on not being able to run and walk outside.  This weekend was a clear indicator that the cold air has seeped in to stay for a while.  I mowed yesterday and thought I was going to blow to Illinois with that crazy wind.   I need to get back to the gym for the winter months.  I have a nice treadmill and weights and a zillion programs I could do here but clearly not the same. I need the incentive to push myself upward and onward.    

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying.  Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful. 

Did you know that "Fear Not" is mentioned 365 times in the Bible?   Coincidence????  

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I have joined a group called "Grief Share".  Grief Share is  for anyyone who has lost someone important to them.  Two of the facilitators have each lost their spouse so I felt like they can really relate especially to me.   The first night I went - I felt like I was in an "AA" group. I have since been inspired and it has been encouraging to me - I will hang in there with the commitment that I made to myself...but I sill refer to it as my "AA" group.    

Yesterday I had a privilege of getting some last minute guests.  We have to piece the group shot together because T had no interest in cooperating . We did the best we could.  They had a great time together.  So good to see my kids and grandkids all in the same spot.  We had a nice long leisurely afternoon together.

T couldn't understand why the girls kept the door shut to the toy room - but in to time - we had toys scattered down the hallway and into the living room to keep everyone happy.  He was so funny talking up a storm.  He knows exactly what he wants.

 I had a fruit pizza ready for the kids 
to decorate.  They had a great time - we were thinking maybe they 
would get a pattern going - however - the finished product looked
pretty good.  Everyone agreed they made a super looking pizza and it was yummy.   They were proud of it when it was done. 

Happy Thoughts:  My car had a full diognostic check up and is doing great!  I learned about furnace filters this last week.  My banana tree made it to 10 leaves! My grass is green once again. My lawn trimmer does an awesome job.  My tomatoes are still turning red.  I got a new phone today. 

My newest discovery: Journey On by Ty Herndon

I encourage you to listen to the song. I am definately on a journey - some good days and some that I wonder when it will end. I have some times where God lets me have my angry moments where he gets bombarded with all sorts of questions.  I don't get any answers but sometimes I feel better just getting it sent his direction.    I will keep on going - doing the best I can do. I still have the unfortunate honor of experiencing more of the "first things". I know they will be around for a long time to come yet.

Fort Myers Beach, FL - 2007

Know what you want to do, hold the thought firmly and do everyday
what should be done and every sunset will see you that much nearer the goal.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

My blog has been put on the back burner lately.  I have been keeping myself busy with other things besides setting at this crazy computer.  It was one of my weekend goals to get a post out.  So much has happened since I last wrote.  My days are beginning to be a little more manageable with the emptiness that I've had to endure.  In a sense, grieving is actually a show of faith. We are trusting God to hold us in our most vulnerable time, when our feelings are raw, our life is in pieces, and our strength is gone.  If that isn't faith, I'm not sure what is.

I have given R's clothes away to a very deserving individual. It wasn't a bad experience letting them go.  I still have some things that I will keep.  I think the reason it was easier than I thought is the recipient has a history to his life that would make you just shake your head that so much can happen to one person.  He is amazing.  He has always been one of those people that continues to give of himself over and over even though he's had alot of major things to deal with. If he gets knocked down - he gets right back up.   I was grateful that he accepted the invitation to go through R's clothes. 

These 100+ degree days are getting old.  I did my 5 miles only once the last three days.  I kept toying with the idea of getting out there today - but after the "landscaping rock" party today at my daughters house - I think I've had enough.  I can't remember in tons how much rock we took care of today - but I promise you it was ALOT!  It looks very nice. 

I'm posting another picture of my banana tree. 
It's growing like crazy.  It now has 9 big palm
leaves. My friend tells me the record is 11 in one season.   I'm hoping the frost holds off for a long time so I can make at least the record.  The babies should start appearing soon.  I know several of you are anxiously awaiting a delivery next spring so we'll see what happens. 

Here's my first attempt at a Cake Decorating.  My BFF and I signed up and took a class together.  We loved it.  I thought sure my cake would end up in the next edition of "Cake Wrecks" but by a wing and a prayer - it turned out.  And it was delicious.  I'm not very creative - but I sure felt proud of my first decoration job.   What do you think L.S.???? 
My two oldest grandkids were thrilled when I showed up with my masterpiece.  As you can see the big kindergarten girl did a pretty good posing job.  Then Mr. E wanted to make sure he got in on the action as well. 

I continue to be very grateful for my friends and family who continue to stand beside me in my journey. It means the world to me.  I have been in touch with a couple of individuals - one is going to proof my blog for grammatical errrors and the other person has actually published a couple of books.  She knows the who what where when of writing something and having it published.  I have been told by many people to get my blog published.  They tell me there are others out there who need to hear my story.  They tell me I have been an inspiration to them.  I appreciate your kind compliments.   

"Each day brings with it the miracle of a new beginning.  Many of the moments ahead will be marvelously disguised as ordinary days, but each one of us has the chance to make something extraordinary out of them."             Douglas Pagels

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Our Family July 2011

Our "updated" family photo.  It has taken me the last three weeks to be strong enough to even get this posted.  There is definately an empty spot in more ways than one.  I have been keeping super busy and keeping up on running/walking/biking even in the heat we've all endured.  For those of you who didn't know - a good sweat will help lesson the anxieties that tend to visit.  I feel like I'm beginning to adjust to the "New Normal".  I don't like it - but I have no choice.  I have to keep moving forward.  I have to keep my motto playing over and over in my head. 

It's been 4 months since Randy's passing. In one way the time has gone pretty quickly and in yet another way it hurts worse today than it did 4 months ago. I miss him like crazy. My grandkids are always talking about him - which is good - I want them to talk about him. A very big part of me will never be the same. I have reached each each stage of grief a couple times over and I've been conquering the stages one by one... 1.  Denial - It hasn't really happened - I know he's going to come walking back through that door.  2.  Anger -  Why did God have to take him???  3.  Bargaining - I lost this one before the session could start.  4.  Depression - All the firsts I've already endured and more to come.  5.  Acceptance.  No explanation needed.

I know the process is going to take a long time....  I'm learning tons more than I ever wanted to know.

I've managed to do some traveling with my company here lately.  Doing some one day stuff here and there.  Two weeks ago I took a group to Chicago for shopping.I took BJC along and we had a great time. We did some shopping, sight seeing and also fed a homeless man at Millinium Park. Yesterday I was actually a passenger on a great trip through Amish Country.  My mom got a workout on this one. We were in and out of that bus all day long.  Enjoyed it alot.

The biggies last week for me -- My oldest grandaughter started all day kindergarten - I've met her teacher and seen her classroom.  She's all settled in after two days of school and has become a pro at it all already.  My oldest grandson started a new Day Care and surprised us all by really enjoying his new surroundings.  He will start preschool there soon.  The younger of my grandaughters will begin preschool in a couple of weeks- I'm sure she will adjust in her surroundings just fine as well.  I'm excited for all of them.  The youngest - he will just enjoy the break from his sister I'm sure.

I'm exploring some options for my idle winter stuck in the house time.  Stay tuned for possible a sneak peak.     

"You should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet - enough trials to make you strong - enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."

Saturday, July 23, 2011

R's Final Resting Place - Rainbow Falls, Smoky Mountains - Gatlinburg, TN
I have just returned from an amazing time away with my kids and their families.  We stayed in a cabin the Smoky Mountains.  The purpose of the vacation was a tribute to R.  He loved the Smoky Mountains.  BJ, A & myself hiked 6 miles in the heat uphill and back down to fulfill the purpose of our trip.  I felt a sense of peace following the scattering of his remains.  I know his spirit was with us as we shed some tears and said our good byes.  I wondered if we could get any closer to Heaven than where we were.  We celebrated his life with ice cream because we know that's what he would of wanted us to do.

This is our cabin.  We had a great time just being together. The cabin had three floors with three king size bedrooms and bathrooms as well as queen size sofa's.  We each had our own floor.  There were two huge decks with swings and gliders that got used daily.  We enjoyed it alot.  To have all the grandkids in the same place is tons of fun.  Never a dull moment. 

This was the view from our deck.  Quite a calming sight.  We all loved to go out there and just relax.  The beauty created for us all to take in is absoutely amazing. 
This little?? guy decided to join our neighborhood because he was apparently hungry.  Luckily the kids got to see him a little better before he was chased away.  There was a Black Bear alert while we were there.  Lucky us.  We were always checking around the corner when we wanted to set outside.  The neighborhood we were in was called Black Bear Falls.  I guess he knew where he was supposed to be. 

My beautiful grandkids.  For the most part - they were full of smiles the entire time we were together.  The two on each end belong to my daughter and the two in the middle belong to my son.  I felt very blessed the last few days. Emotions were raw and it was a bittersweet trip - but we were all glad we did it and we did it together.  That's what families do.  

I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.