Pressing Onward

I have done something that I thought would be impossible!!! I have survived an entire year without someone who was an important to me as life itself. One has to make a conscious effort to decide to move on with their life. It's very tough to put aside the last year and move forward. I will admit that the memories of the last year still sting but they are getting better. It's becoming a little easier to handle the challenges and the things that continue to slap me in the face. It's going to be that way for a long time and it's just the way it is. It's all a learning process and there is always something new to learn. I know Randy's been watching over me and giving me a pat on the back numerous times. I think he would be proud of us all as we set aside our questions of why and keep moving

toward the ultimate goal.

Now, one year later I've come to the conclusion that it's time to think about starting over. Reality has begun to set in. I go back to the saying about the 3'C's of Life.

"Choices - Chances - Changes"

"You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change".

So many times I have wondered why God would allow this to happen to my family. I can't imagine that there is something better out there than what I had but apparently there is. I would really like the plan laid out in front of me. I keep praying for that to happen but I know it's not going to. Patience is a virture - and I've learned that over and over in the last 16 months.

My life has forever changed. The dynamics of my entire family has changed. My kids and grandkids have had to find a new balance as well. But I have so many blessings and things to be thankful for. It's amazing how a tragedy can change the rest of your life. Losing Randy has definetly changed me. I'm not the same person I used to be. I look at everything differently now. Things that used to have value or deep meaning no longer do. Things are just things. Stuff is just stuff. Life takes on a whole new meaning. Are there still tears? Yes!! Is it still difficult to talk about? Yes!! Do I try to make today better than yesterday? Yes!! I take alot of deep breaths and keep my feet going in the forward motion. I try not to go backwards. I'ts a proven fact that it gets me nowhere fast!

They always say time is a great healer. I have had some moments where I just wanted to give up and that's when you really have to have some face time with God. Out of my pain, God became a living reality to me as never before. I had to learn to give it to him. I had to learn to let go and let God. I've learned to give more. Give more to God - give more to my family, give more to my friends. It's an effort that I have to put forth by sharing my thoughts an feelings and that allows a little more healing to take place. A little at a time, day by day for as long as it takes. As I begin to rebuild my life that does not mean that I will forget or abandon Randy - he will always have a cherish place in my heart. I have given myself permission to live again. Living again affirms what he and I talked about while he was still on this earth. He would want me to find happiness and he would want nothing but the best for me. I won't run from my memories. I will recognize, accept and express them. I cherish everyone of them. He will always be someone very special to me whether the memories make me laugh or cry I will always have them as a conncection to him. They will keep me close to him.

 He remains in my heart wherever I go.

Death changes us, the living.  In the presence of death, we become more aware of life....It can inspire us to decide what really matters in life...and then to seek it.