Our Family July 2011

Our "updated" family photo.  It has taken me the last three weeks to be strong enough to even get this posted.  There is definately an empty spot in more ways than one.  I have been keeping super busy and keeping up on running/walking/biking even in the heat we've all endured.  For those of you who didn't know - a good sweat will help lesson the anxieties that tend to visit.  I feel like I'm beginning to adjust to the "New Normal".  I don't like it - but I have no choice.  I have to keep moving forward.  I have to keep my motto playing over and over in my head. 

It's been 4 months since Randy's passing. In one way the time has gone pretty quickly and in yet another way it hurts worse today than it did 4 months ago. I miss him like crazy. My grandkids are always talking about him - which is good - I want them to talk about him. A very big part of me will never be the same. I have reached each each stage of grief a couple times over and I've been conquering the stages one by one... 1.  Denial - It hasn't really happened - I know he's going to come walking back through that door.  2.  Anger -  Why did God have to take him???  3.  Bargaining - I lost this one before the session could start.  4.  Depression - All the firsts I've already endured and more to come.  5.  Acceptance.  No explanation needed.

I know the process is going to take a long time....  I'm learning tons more than I ever wanted to know.

I've managed to do some traveling with my company here lately.  Doing some one day stuff here and there.  Two weeks ago I took a group to Chicago for shopping.I took BJC along and we had a great time. We did some shopping, sight seeing and also fed a homeless man at Millinium Park. Yesterday I was actually a passenger on a great trip through Amish Country.  My mom got a workout on this one. We were in and out of that bus all day long.  Enjoyed it alot.

The biggies last week for me -- My oldest grandaughter started all day kindergarten - I've met her teacher and seen her classroom.  She's all settled in after two days of school and has become a pro at it all already.  My oldest grandson started a new Day Care and surprised us all by really enjoying his new surroundings.  He will start preschool there soon.  The younger of my grandaughters will begin preschool in a couple of weeks- I'm sure she will adjust in her surroundings just fine as well.  I'm excited for all of them.  The youngest - he will just enjoy the break from his sister I'm sure.

I'm exploring some options for my idle winter stuck in the house time.  Stay tuned for possible a sneak peak.     

"You should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet - enough trials to make you strong - enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."

R's Final Resting Place - Rainbow Falls, Smoky Mountains - Gatlinburg, TN

I have just returned from an amazing time away with my kids and their families.  We stayed in a cabin the Smoky Mountains.  The purpose of the vacation was a tribute to R.  He loved the Smoky Mountains.  BJ, A & myself hiked 6 miles in the heat uphill and back down to fulfill the purpose of our trip.  I felt a sense of peace following the scattering of his remains.  I know his spirit was with us as we shed some tears and said our good byes.  I wondered if we could get any closer to Heaven than where we were.  We celebrated his life with ice cream because we know that's what he would of wanted us to do.

This is our cabin.  We had a great time just being together. The cabin had three floors with three king size bedrooms and bathrooms as well as queen size sofa's.  We each had our own floor.  There were two huge decks with swings and gliders that got used daily.  We enjoyed it alot.  To have all the grandkids in the same place is tons of fun.  Never a dull moment. 

This was the view from our deck.  Quite a calming sight.  We all loved to go out there and just relax.  The beauty created for us all to take in is absoutely amazing. 

This little?? guy decided to join our neighborhood because he was apparently hungry.  Luckily the kids got to see him a little better before he was chased away.  There was a Black Bear alert while we were there.  Lucky us.  We were always checking around the corner when we wanted to set outside.  The neighborhood we were in was called Black Bear Falls.  I guess he knew where he was supposed to be. 

My beautiful grandkids.  For the most part - they were full of smiles the entire time we were together.  The two on each end belong to my daughter and the two in the middle belong to my son.  I felt very blessed the last few days. Emotions were raw and it was a bittersweet trip - but we were all glad we did it and we did it together.  That's what families do.  








I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever. 

Time continues to get away from me daily. The days are running from one to another and alot of time outside of work I honestly have no idea where it goes. I have kept very busy with work, running/walking/biking almost daily, watering (since we've had no rain for a month) and tending to my garden and flowers. I've posted a picture of my banana tree many of you have been wondering about. It's my little bit of Island Paradise right off my deck. It now has 4 big leaves. They just keep coming.  I'm told by the end of summer I should have green bananas and maybe next year ripe ones. My garden is also doing very well. As you can see it looks like it's on steroids.   I have a multitude of fresh green beans to enjoy.  I will eventually have a ton of tomatoes.  My zuchinni are currently being enjoyed by some creature who finds his way into my garden at night.  Last night I took the advice of a friend and hung CD's in amongst the zuchinni plants and it's supposed to scare the creatures away.......  I'll know soon if that worked.  Very frustrating to know that the fruits of my labor are for nothing! 

I think, hope, pray that my brand new car is now good to go.  It visited the mechanic shop two times within a weeks time.  It was making a horrible noise when starting periodically and it died on me twice in two intersections.  Oddly enough - they have had 4 other cars with my make and model that were doing the same thing---- BUT they chose not to fix mine like the other 4 the first time.  They updated a couple of computer programs and said it was good to go.  After a couple of days it told me different and I hauled it back and made my case and it was fixed.  They had to replace cam solenoid valves. It has been running very well and I hope it continues.  R wanted to me have a dependable car and I know he would not be happy if he knew I was dealing with this sort of thing. 

I'm very guilty for not returning phone calls to those of you who have left messages...I am doing what works for me right now. I'll get back to you -- be patient. I'm grateful for the warm weather so I can be outside. Staying home is a tough thing for me sometimes.   Last weekend was a double whammy - On Saturday - R had been gone for 3 months and on Sunday - it would of been our 35th wedding anniversary.   I've said it before - all those "first" things are never ending.  At the end of every hard day is a new day to look forward to.  I did receive a very precious gift this last week - my nephew (the family Jeweler) resized R's wedding band for me to wear.  I love it!!!  I have always liked this particular band and it's a constant reminder of what we had together.  Thank you JTM.  It looks awesome!  You do such a wonderful job!
"The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back." I spend alot of time going back over the last month of R's life. I don't know why it keeps coming back to me. It's one of those things that I have to get over. I have so many great memories of our 37 years together. I am so blessed with all my wonderful friends and family who have been there for me and the encouaragement that keeps coming. It means so much!  Thank you!!! 

I have no clue where the last week has gone - other than to say that I have kept extremely busy which is my ulitmate plan. It helps to ease the quietness of this house.  Last Sunday I traveled down south to see my wonderful son in action - doing what he does best!  I'm so proud of him!!  My deck has been powerwashed and stained thanks to my wonderful friends and family.  It looks marvelous!  What a big job!  It was a tough day though because it brings on yet another first of doing something R and I have done together in the past.

Me and My Best Friend

Today is another holiday......honestly where do they all come from??  I never knew how what was and will never be can eat away at one's heart.  This photo is my best friend and I.  My daughter and family & I were included in her families 4th of July party this past weekend.  Thanks B & B - we all had a great time and E is already asking to come back to B's house. 

A huge thank you to the guys at R's work they provided me with a gift card to get a tree in R's memory - I accomplished that his weekend.  I was able to get a small tree and 4 new bushes.  My wonderful neighbor assisted me in getting the old out and the new in.  So thankful for those people at my fingertips. I was starting to get out bush #2 when I noticed very quickly this 3 ft. snake that left me know it was apparent I was messing with his home.  We had a little stare down and I moved on to the other side of the landscaping as I waited for him to move on.  I thought he had moved on - however --- he moved back to his residence.  So thankfully - my neighbor  was able to move him onward to look for new housing hopefully at someone elses' home.  Word is he was "just" a garter snake and he's harmless.   But to me - he might as well of been 7 ft. long and as big around as my thigh.  My new tree and bushes look great - so thank you guys!!!  It means a great deal to me to have a beautiful visual in R's honor.  

I'm off to get my mileage in before it gets sunny and hot today.  Happy 4th of July to you all.  I continue to press onward.  I pray for God to see me though and keep me going.  

  

I have posted the words to the song "Blessings".  I have really come to like this song.  It contains alot of my thoughts and feelings right now.  It speaks of healing - It's a really hard place to be sometimes. I have more questions than answers.  I've ask a zillion times why God didn't answer the multitude of prayers for healing.

I am then reminded God gives us what we need rather than what we want. No one said we have to like it.  I need to look at life as speed bumps.  Speed bumps are things we all have to get over in order to enjoy the rest of the journey.

 

We have 3 choices in life - We can Give Up, Give In, or Give It All You've Got.  That goes along with my motto of "You can't go back,  You can't stay here, You must go Forward.  Everyday may not be good, but there is something good to be found in every day.  I've had some interesting challenges along the way but that makes life interesting.  Overcoming those challenges is what makes life meaningful.  I found this quote I want to share. "You may not end up where you thought you'd be,  but you will always end up where

you're meant to be."

 

If you haven't heard the song posted below - you can go to YouTube to listen.  It's an awesome song.

 

Laura Story - Blessings

We pray for blessings     We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep    We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering    All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops   What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights  Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom    Your voice to hear    And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love     As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea    And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops     What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights    Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us    When darkness seems to win    We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home    It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops    What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights    Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments    Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life    The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

The weeks are just flying by.  Summer is officially here this week.  It seemed to be so far away a couple of months ago and now here it is.  I keep incredibly busy - maybe not with what I want to be doing but with things that need to be done. At least the yard work has slowed down a little.  I have patted myself on the back with my tree and bush trimming abilities.  The next thing on my agenda is getting the timing right for putting the summer application of weed killer/fertilizer/whatever is in the bag on the lawn at just the right time to be effective.  Something tells me that I will be doing that process in the sprinkles of rain because my timing anymore has been a little off and I know it needs the rain to make it work.  So we'll see.....  

I was very fortunate to meet Kerrie Roberts Thursday night after a concert.  It was a huge deal for me.  She is the one who inspired me so much when dealing with R in the hospital and weeks following.  Her song "No Matter What" I posted on my blog several months ago.  She is an awesome person.  My brother in law had met her during the day on Thursday and told her about me and R and losing him to Cancer an how she was an inspiration to me.  She was in concert Thursday night along with Johnny Diaz. Following the Concert I had an awesome opportuntity to exhange a few words with her.  I was so glad I went.  

This weekend was a party weekend.  I got invited to my oldest grandaughters "Friend" B-Day Party".  There were 9 kids there and it was fun and busy.......and non stop.  LOL   Everyone had a great time.  Being around all those busy bodies will wear you out.  :)   

Sunday - we had a family birthday party and celebrated Fathers day with a super delicious cookout and surrounded by lots of family.  It was a tough day for me.  My heart is heavy on those holidays.  Just another one of those firsts (again).  How many of those do I have to endure in such a short time with everything else we've had to conquer?   I remind myself to keep a positive attitude and I will have fewer difficulities to encounter along my journey.   I keep myself motivated and pressing onward.

A positive attitude leads to happiness and success and can change your whole life. If you look at the bright side of life, your whole life becomes filled with light. This light affects not only you and the way you look at the world, but also your whole environment and the people around you. If it is strong enough, it becomes contagious.

Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow.

– Cherralea Morgen

Positive Thinking

It is better to talk of health, progress, happiness, and success, than of the contrary things.  It is better to think of the beautiful, truthful, inspiring, and ideal, than the opposite thoughts.  It is better to be cheerful, confident, expectant, and enthusiastic than to indulge in destructive feelings.  Knowing this, the right course is clearly open to you.  Fill your daily life so full of constructive thoughts and ideals, that there will be no room for negative and depressing ideas.  Confine your conversation to helpful, useful, encouraging subjects.  Be generous in thought, word, act, and purpose.  Make the world better for your being in it.  Take a strong stand for truth and righteousness, and make every day count toward your eternal progress and happiness. - Grenville Kleiser, 1917

Force yourself to concentrate on more positive thoughts and fewer negative thoughts. When a negative thought creeps in, overpower it with a positive one.  If your mind says, “I can’t possibly do this…“  Turn the tables on it an replace the thought with, “I can’t possibly fail!”

You’ll smile more.
You’ll feel happier.
You’ll feel more fulfilled.
You’ll have more confidence.
Nothing will seem impossible to you.

This week I have spent a great deal of time looking for the positive in alot of situations I am faced with.  I know I have been living in my own little world - doing my own little thing - not really having the energy or really caring about some of the things that used to mean a whole lot to me.  I have my own little PPP's at any given moment which is know is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances.  (PPP = Private Pity Party). For the most part I am still living up to my motto:  You can't go back.. You can't stay here.,.. You have to go forward... 

About the time I get those couple of steps forward then another first happens that can bring back all the emotions.  I had a birthday, my oldest grandaughter had a birthday and my oldest grandson played his first t-ball game. Those are all things that R enjoyed.  He would of been right out there on the field with E.  He would of taken me out for dinner and he loved celebrating the grandkids birthdays. 

I am hopeful that those "first time things" will get easier to deal with.  I am positive that mind over matter prevails to lesson the heartache.  I am working hard on the positive thinking - positive feelings - and making every day count and every day be the best it can be. 

“Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.” – Theodore Vail

Happy Thoughts:

My 2 month milestone.
My grandchildren - so resilient - honest - lovable. 
My key start mower.
My memories of all the good times.
My best friend stealing me away for an afternoon of FUN!
My banana tree is unveiling a new palm leaf.
My garden.
My courage.
My faith.
My family.
My friends.
Walking/running 5 miles.
Biking 15 miles.
My job & co-workers.

Knowing that:

The most important things in life aren't things.
Less Is More
Grace is truely amazing.
I am being watched over daily.
No one knows what they can do until they try.
You don't always get what you want but you can keep wishing.
I'm not alone.
I draw strength knowing others care about me.
I know who's in charge.
I am blessed.

You don't have to be the one responsible for making everything work.  Believe me.  The big things are already taken care of:  The sun will rise in the morning, the stars will come out at night, and -- if you work it right -- a child, someone you love, or a dear, close friend, will share a special smile with you -- and make everything wrong -- right again.
Douglas Pagels

"You Can't Go Back... You Can't Stay Here... You Must Go Forward..." 

This quote was staring me in the face in a book I have been reading. It makes a bold statement.  I have decided to borrow this quote for my motto.  It continues to remind me to keep moving on.  I have accomplished what I consider some "great feats" this weekend.... 

I changed my oil in my new mower which was suggested after 6 hours of use since the possibility existed of metal shavings etc...since it's new.  I read the book on how to do it and it worked very well.

I trimmed all the bushes and one tree with the electric trimmers....and I think they look pretty close to how R would of done them.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Good thing I have seen this done before by him. 

I bought stain for my deck.  As my luck would have it - I went to Lowes and walked into the stain aisle and it all might as well of been in Spanish, French or German because I had no idea what it said.  And where were all those wonderful helpers that are always there????  Finally a very sweet lady came along and helped me out.  She was my savior and I walked out with what I am pretty sure is what I need.

More times than not I wish I could just get an answer or two from R now and then.  I thought we had covered alot of material in a short amount of time during his illness but I am finding out - there is so much more to learn.  I have a lot of peeps that are very resourceful.  I'm more than grateful for answers when I need them.

I got my 5 miles in almost everyday this week.  One night I encountered a 5K race in progress on my route - luckily I was going the opposite direction so no one ran over me.  It sort of made me want to be a part of them.  But I am not ready for that yet.  However, I am making progress and I feel good about how far I have come to this date with picking running back up.  

I am ready for a new week to begin.  I can't believe it's going on 8 weeks in a few days that R checked out of life as we know it for something so much better.  A body made well again.  A opportunity to be with all the people who believe in everlasting life.  Walking on the streets of Gold each and every day never meeting a stranger. 

Be a Joy Germ and spread it to everyone you meet.  Find joy in the ordinary.  May your new week be overflowing with blessing.  You all bring joy to me and that means more to me than you will ever know.

Tidbits...


My patio table went together just like it had the last several years the other evening!  I was feeling pretty good about that!!


The Blood Drive held at R's workplace in his memory had twice as many donations given than they normally do!  That is an awesome thing!


Recommended read:  Heaven Is For Real!  A great book!!   Got me really thinking about R and what Heaven is like for him. 


My almost 5 year old grandaughter says to me Sunday morning at her house--"Everytime I go by the Peace Lily I think of Grandpa"  The kids and I were all blessed with a Peace Lily from the funeral.   Sometimes she says things that are way beyond what a 5 year old should be talking about. She struck a cord and I had to rebound quickly.  I am thankful for the memories they have and they do talk about him from time to time.

Grateful for sunshine and warmth!!!

Thankful for my best friend and husband and good friend for sharing the old hometown Pizza King the other night!  Super good pizza and loved the time together.   

Happy that I got to have two of my little people all day Sunday.  We had a great day together. 

I remain ever so thankful for the people God continues to put in my path.  They are my gentle reminders that each new day brings a new chance to keep going, to keep moving forward. 

" Life is like a book with many chapters we call seasons. Some chapters tell the story of love, drama, comedy, mystery, loss, adversity, growth, disappointment, triumph, etc. Some chapters are dull and ordinary, others intense and exciting. The key to enduring, persevering and being hopeful is to never stop on a difficult page, to never quit on a book or a chapter that seems too long. Some chapters may be sweet but too short. Your words, thoughts, actions, non-action and choices are the pens that write the pages in your book. Have the courage and faith to keep turning the pages believing better chapters lie ahead. God is the author and finisher of your life. Trust. Listen. Believe. Grow in God's word. Activate your gifts and talents. Be creative. Be kind. Be patient. Be faithful. Be grateful. Be fruitful."