Team Bungard

Team Bungard THANKS YOU!!!!

A HUGE thank you to all who supported us doing the 5K at Out Run The Sun!  Our team was in the top three teams for fund raising.  Hearing Team Bungard over the loud speaker was pretty cool.  We couldn't of done it without you.  And to the anonymous donors -- You know who you are--Thank you very much!!  Monetary and non monetary support - every bit of it was very much appreciated.  Thank you for supporting our family.   

It was amazing to be there.  I was a little apprehensive a few days before we went down to Indianapolis - the emotions begin to take over now and then.  That quickly changed when we got to the site of the race.  It didn't take long to notice we were among a crowd of at least 600 - 700 people.  And those people with us were all there to support a common goal.   We felt blessed to be among the crowd.  It felt good to be there as a family and doing our part to help with awareness and research. We had a great time just being together creating yet another memory for us all to cherish. The memories hold more meaning now days then they used to. 

I have a group picture that is on A's camera - so when she has time from to get it to me I will be happy to share it.  We will do the race again because we fill lead to do it in Randy's memory.  I know he was there in spirit and if the tables were turned - he would be doing the same thing. 

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasurer."

(saying worn on the back of our shirts)





Team Bungard

                            In Randy's Memory

Thank all of you for following my blog and the tremendous support along the way.  Our family has taken on a new adventure in memory of Randy.  We will be participating as Team Bungard in the upcoming Outrun the Sun event on Sunday June 2nd in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Outrun the Sun, Inc. is dedicated to building national awareness of melanoma and other skin cancers, educating communities about preventive measures that reduce melanoma’s incidence rate, and to raising funds for melanoma research, leading to effective treatments and a cure.

Our family appreciates your time, effort, donation, prayers and most important your support.  We ask that you forward the following link to all your friends and relatives should they also be interested in supporting our team.  All donations are so important to the cause. 

The following link will take you directly to our team page, as well as links to find out more information on Outrun the Sun, Inc.

Again thank you so much for your consideration and support of Team Bungard.

http://raceagainstmelanoma.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1001719&lis=1&kntae1001719=6F3BC1DE154A488BB257DDB595F282E3&supId=

Pressing Onward

I have done something that I thought would be impossible!!! I have survived an entire year without someone who was an important to me as life itself. One has to make a conscious effort to decide to move on with their life. It's very tough to put aside the last year and move forward. I will admit that the memories of the last year still sting but they are getting better. It's becoming a little easier to handle the challenges and the things that continue to slap me in the face. It's going to be that way for a long time and it's just the way it is. It's all a learning process and there is always something new to learn. I know Randy's been watching over me and giving me a pat on the back numerous times. I think he would be proud of us all as we set aside our questions of why and keep moving

toward the ultimate goal.

Now, one year later I've come to the conclusion that it's time to think about starting over. Reality has begun to set in. I go back to the saying about the 3'C's of Life.

"Choices - Chances - Changes"

"You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change".

So many times I have wondered why God would allow this to happen to my family. I can't imagine that there is something better out there than what I had but apparently there is. I would really like the plan laid out in front of me. I keep praying for that to happen but I know it's not going to. Patience is a virture - and I've learned that over and over in the last 16 months.

My life has forever changed. The dynamics of my entire family has changed. My kids and grandkids have had to find a new balance as well. But I have so many blessings and things to be thankful for. It's amazing how a tragedy can change the rest of your life. Losing Randy has definetly changed me. I'm not the same person I used to be. I look at everything differently now. Things that used to have value or deep meaning no longer do. Things are just things. Stuff is just stuff. Life takes on a whole new meaning. Are there still tears? Yes!! Is it still difficult to talk about? Yes!! Do I try to make today better than yesterday? Yes!! I take alot of deep breaths and keep my feet going in the forward motion. I try not to go backwards. I'ts a proven fact that it gets me nowhere fast!

They always say time is a great healer. I have had some moments where I just wanted to give up and that's when you really have to have some face time with God. Out of my pain, God became a living reality to me as never before. I had to learn to give it to him. I had to learn to let go and let God. I've learned to give more. Give more to God - give more to my family, give more to my friends. It's an effort that I have to put forth by sharing my thoughts an feelings and that allows a little more healing to take place. A little at a time, day by day for as long as it takes. As I begin to rebuild my life that does not mean that I will forget or abandon Randy - he will always have a cherish place in my heart. I have given myself permission to live again. Living again affirms what he and I talked about while he was still on this earth. He would want me to find happiness and he would want nothing but the best for me. I won't run from my memories. I will recognize, accept and express them. I cherish everyone of them. He will always be someone very special to me whether the memories make me laugh or cry I will always have them as a conncection to him. They will keep me close to him.

 He remains in my heart wherever I go.

Death changes us, the living.  In the presence of death, we become more aware of life....It can inspire us to decide what really matters in life...and then to seek it. 

Christmas -- 2011   Another first for my family. The Holidays without Randy.  We all escaped the traditionalism here at home and escaped to the warmth of Siesta Key, FL.   We flew non stop into Sarasota and within an hour we were  unpacked and on the warm sunny sandy beach and it was wonderful! 

This was our house.  It had 4 floors - fully furnished with everything you can imagine.  From the garage to the King Suite which was on the fourth floor was 51 steps.  It did have an elevator which was accessible from each floor so if you didn't want to do the steps you didn't have to.  But you know me - I always took the steps several times a day.  It fit us all very nicely.  Plenty of room for all the kids to do whatever they wanted.



Our Beach Shot.  Weather was warm and wonderful.  Water was a little chilly - but the kids adapted to the water temp very quickly.  It took awhile for your feet to warm up and then it wasn't so bad to stand out there in it.  The kids wanted to bring back a million shells.  But we had a weight limit on our luggage since we were flying.  :)  

We had a coolish day - we went to Casperson Beach to look for Sharks teeth. There are some serious shark teeth search teams there.   We didn't find any - but we did find this very nice lady who enjoyed all of our children.  They made a sand castle and various other things with her.  When we got ready to leave the girls gave her a hug and she melted. 



We visited the Nikomas Orange Grove and had some delicious orange ice cream - which was really enjoyed by everyone. We bought some of their fresh squeezed orange juice.  You haven't lived until you have some.  It was out of this world.  We found plenty to keep us busy in the area we were in.  Great restaurants, shopping and just some good times together.  My son keeps asking if this is a tradition now.  The verdict is still out on that one.  He gets credit for trying though.

The girls - talking about their next move.  They loved the water. They really enjoyed having several days to spend together. Little man loved the sand more than the water.

Little True baby had a great time as well.  We found his mouth coated with sand more times than we could shake a stick at.  He got to where he loved running into the water and back out. 







We left a little Hoosier Legacy at Siesta Key. 

Most people would smile because they knew exactly what we were dealing with here.

The Sunset - My favorite part of the days.  They brought back memories of better days for me. They gave me a chance to reflect on what I need to do to make the way for improvements in my life so I may be given the chance to see what God has in store for me.  I can't imagine it will be better than what I had with Randy- but I have to trust him that he knows what's best for me and be open to the opportunities that may get put in my path.  I may not of lost a limb but I will always walk with a limp with the journey I have dealt with and continue to overcome.   



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December 19, 2011

Hard to believe that it's been over a year that the world as we knew it spiraled out of control. A year ago I was giving everyone a play by play per day on what we were going through.  It all seems like a bad dream.  Things like this always happen to someone else - not people like us.  I will never understand it all.......and it's not for me to question. 

Time just continues to move on - no matter what.  I miss Randy so  much.  It's very tough to come home to an empty quiet house every day.  I will admit somedays it feels like he is at work and I've got a few hours to get some things accomplished before he walks in the door.  And then I remember....I would give anything to have him back healthy and happy.  I have an oceanliner full of memories which I cherish.  Everybody out there needs to keep your memories alive - create new ones and keep them close to your heart. 

I'm finding plenty of things to fill my time to keep busy outside of working.  It's the only way I can keep moving forward.  Very thankful for my kids and grandkids who are my rock!  We will all be together for several days over the holidays doing something different to escape the way we always did things.  I'm looking forward to having everyone together.  I will report on what we did following the holidays.

I accomplish an entire session of GriefShare. Fourteen weeks to be exact.  I actually got to where I enjoyed going.  I learned quite a bit along the way.  I feel like it helped me in many ways.  I also made some friends with people who share my story.  We became a close group we now can call friends.  We will continue to support each other for hopefully a long time to come.

This season of "Happy -Joyful" has been a tough one for me.  I will be very glad when 2012 arrives.  It is a new chance to hopefully have a better year.  Not sure what God has planned for me.... but i'm open to finding out.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us".

It seems like the grief roller coaster continues to be ever present in my life.  It pulls you up, then drops you down.  It twists and twirls, leaving your heart in your throat and your mind a blur.  I have moments when I feel like i'm moving upward and all of a sudden I see something, hear a song that reminds me of R and the roller coaster jolts downward and I feel like I'm falling back to where I was. The loss is painful but I know I will eventually recover.  I cling to that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn't feel it.  I know that I will not always feel as I do now. 

I have perservered with GriefShare.  Last week's class was all about wanting to know "why".  I ask God why all the time.  Why did this happen to me - to my family?   What am I supposed to learn from all of this?   He of course hasn't paved that path for me yet.  I can't help but think there must be something far better out there that he hasn't shown me yet.  I can't imagine what that might be but I guess i'm hanging on for dear life to find out.  It's very hard for me to wake up every morning and give it all to God - hard for me to tell him I need you to take this from me today... hard for me to ask "Not Why...But How"???  I'm working on that whole process.  Grieving is very hard work.  I'm hopeful that God will take all the broken pieces of my tragedy and transform them into something good.  

I have just passed my 6 month milestone.  The months just keep going faster and faster.  I get that overwhelming feeling once in a while because there is a lot to keep up with here.  I guess I have to start cleaning the house a little more than normal - I told myself when it got colder - I would feel like cleaning.  Not sure I feel like it - but none the less - it needs to be done.  

I'm already missing out on not being able to run and walk outside.  This weekend was a clear indicator that the cold air has seeped in to stay for a while.  I mowed yesterday and thought I was going to blow to Illinois with that crazy wind.   I need to get back to the gym for the winter months.  I have a nice treadmill and weights and a zillion programs I could do here but clearly not the same. I need the incentive to push myself upward and onward.    

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying.  Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful. 

Did you know that "Fear Not" is mentioned 365 times in the Bible?   Coincidence????  

I have joined a group called "Grief Share".  Grief Share is  for anyyone who has lost someone important to them.  Two of the facilitators have each lost their spouse so I felt like they can really relate especially to me.   The first night I went - I felt like I was in an "AA" group. I have since been inspired and it has been encouraging to me - I will hang in there with the commitment that I made to myself...but I sill refer to it as my "AA" group.    

Yesterday I had a privilege of getting some last minute guests.  We have to piece the group shot together because T had no interest in cooperating . We did the best we could.  They had a great time together.  So good to see my kids and grandkids all in the same spot.  We had a nice long leisurely afternoon together.

T couldn't understand why the girls kept the door shut to the toy room - but in to time - we had toys scattered down the hallway and into the living room to keep everyone happy.  He was so funny talking up a storm.  He knows exactly what he wants.





 I had a fruit pizza ready for the kids 
to decorate.  They had a great time - we were thinking maybe they would get a pattern going - however - the finished product looked
pretty good.  Everyone agreed they made a super looking pizza and it was yummy.   They were proud of it when it was done. 











Happy Thoughts:  My car had a full diognostic check up and is doing great!  I learned about furnace filters this last week.  My banana tree made it to 10 leaves! My grass is green once again. My lawn trimmer does an awesome job.  My tomatoes are still turning red.  I got a new phone today. 

My newest discovery: Journey On by Ty Herndon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HUYF8wFchI&feature=player_detailpage

I encourage you to listen to the song. I am definately on a journey - some good days and some that I wonder when it will end. I have some times where God lets me have my angry moments where he gets bombarded with all sorts of questions.  I don't get any answers but sometimes I feel better just getting it sent his direction.    I will keep on going - doing the best I can do. I still have the unfortunate honor of experiencing more of the "first things". I know they will be around for a long time to come yet.

Fort Myers Beach, FL - 2007

Know what you want to do, hold the thought firmly and do everyday
what should be done and every sunset will see you that much nearer the goal.

My blog has been put on the back burner lately.  I have been keeping myself busy with other things besides setting at this crazy computer.  It was one of my weekend goals to get a post out.  So much has happened since I last wrote.  My days are beginning to be a little more manageable with the emptiness that I've had to endure.  In a sense, grieving is actually a show of faith. We are trusting God to hold us in our most vulnerable time, when our feelings are raw, our life is in pieces, and our strength is gone.  If that isn't faith, I'm not sure what is.

I have given R's clothes away to a very deserving individual. It wasn't a bad experience letting them go.  I still have some things that I will keep.  I think the reason it was easier than I thought is the recipient has a history to his life that would make you just shake your head that so much can happen to one person.  He is amazing.  He has always been one of those people that continues to give of himself over and over even though he's had alot of major things to deal with. If he gets knocked down - he gets right back up.   I was grateful that he accepted the invitation to go through R's clothes. 

These 100+ degree days are getting old.  I did my 5 miles only once the last three days.  I kept toying with the idea of getting out there today - but after the "landscaping rock" party today at my daughters house - I think I've had enough.  I can't remember in tons how much rock we took care of today - but I promise you it was ALOT!  It looks very nice. 

I'm posting another picture of my banana tree. 
It's growing like crazy.  It now has 9 big palm
leaves. My friend tells me the record is 11 in one season.   I'm hoping the frost holds off for a long time so I can make at least the record.  The babies should start appearing soon.  I know several of you are anxiously awaiting a delivery next spring so we'll see what happens. 

Here's my first attempt at a Cake Decorating.  My BFF and I signed up and took a class together.  We loved it.  I thought sure my cake would end up in the next edition of "Cake Wrecks" but by a wing and a prayer - it turned out.  And it was delicious.  I'm not very creative - but I sure felt proud of my first decoration job.   What do you think L.S.???? 

My two oldest grandkids were thrilled when I showed up with my masterpiece.  As you can see the big kindergarten girl did a pretty good posing job.  Then Mr. E wanted to make sure he got in on the action as well. 

I continue to be very grateful for my friends and family who continue to stand beside me in my journey. It means the world to me.  I have been in touch with a couple of individuals - one is going to proof my blog for grammatical errrors and the other person has actually published a couple of books.  She knows the who what where when of writing something and having it published.  I have been told by many people to get my blog published.  They tell me there are others out there who need to hear my story.  They tell me I have been an inspiration to them.  I appreciate your kind compliments.   

"Each day brings with it the miracle of a new beginning.  Many of the moments ahead will be marvelously disguised as ordinary days, but each one of us has the chance to make something extraordinary out of them."             Douglas Pagels

Our Family July 2011

Our "updated" family photo.  It has taken me the last three weeks to be strong enough to even get this posted.  There is definately an empty spot in more ways than one.  I have been keeping super busy and keeping up on running/walking/biking even in the heat we've all endured.  For those of you who didn't know - a good sweat will help lesson the anxieties that tend to visit.  I feel like I'm beginning to adjust to the "New Normal".  I don't like it - but I have no choice.  I have to keep moving forward.  I have to keep my motto playing over and over in my head. 

It's been 4 months since Randy's passing. In one way the time has gone pretty quickly and in yet another way it hurts worse today than it did 4 months ago. I miss him like crazy. My grandkids are always talking about him - which is good - I want them to talk about him. A very big part of me will never be the same. I have reached each each stage of grief a couple times over and I've been conquering the stages one by one... 1.  Denial - It hasn't really happened - I know he's going to come walking back through that door.  2.  Anger -  Why did God have to take him???  3.  Bargaining - I lost this one before the session could start.  4.  Depression - All the firsts I've already endured and more to come.  5.  Acceptance.  No explanation needed.

I know the process is going to take a long time....  I'm learning tons more than I ever wanted to know.

I've managed to do some traveling with my company here lately.  Doing some one day stuff here and there.  Two weeks ago I took a group to Chicago for shopping.I took BJC along and we had a great time. We did some shopping, sight seeing and also fed a homeless man at Millinium Park. Yesterday I was actually a passenger on a great trip through Amish Country.  My mom got a workout on this one. We were in and out of that bus all day long.  Enjoyed it alot.

The biggies last week for me -- My oldest grandaughter started all day kindergarten - I've met her teacher and seen her classroom.  She's all settled in after two days of school and has become a pro at it all already.  My oldest grandson started a new Day Care and surprised us all by really enjoying his new surroundings.  He will start preschool there soon.  The younger of my grandaughters will begin preschool in a couple of weeks- I'm sure she will adjust in her surroundings just fine as well.  I'm excited for all of them.  The youngest - he will just enjoy the break from his sister I'm sure.

I'm exploring some options for my idle winter stuck in the house time.  Stay tuned for possible a sneak peak.     

"You should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet - enough trials to make you strong - enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."

R's Final Resting Place - Rainbow Falls, Smoky Mountains - Gatlinburg, TN

I have just returned from an amazing time away with my kids and their families.  We stayed in a cabin the Smoky Mountains.  The purpose of the vacation was a tribute to R.  He loved the Smoky Mountains.  BJ, A & myself hiked 6 miles in the heat uphill and back down to fulfill the purpose of our trip.  I felt a sense of peace following the scattering of his remains.  I know his spirit was with us as we shed some tears and said our good byes.  I wondered if we could get any closer to Heaven than where we were.  We celebrated his life with ice cream because we know that's what he would of wanted us to do.

This is our cabin.  We had a great time just being together. The cabin had three floors with three king size bedrooms and bathrooms as well as queen size sofa's.  We each had our own floor.  There were two huge decks with swings and gliders that got used daily.  We enjoyed it alot.  To have all the grandkids in the same place is tons of fun.  Never a dull moment. 

This was the view from our deck.  Quite a calming sight.  We all loved to go out there and just relax.  The beauty created for us all to take in is absoutely amazing. 

This little?? guy decided to join our neighborhood because he was apparently hungry.  Luckily the kids got to see him a little better before he was chased away.  There was a Black Bear alert while we were there.  Lucky us.  We were always checking around the corner when we wanted to set outside.  The neighborhood we were in was called Black Bear Falls.  I guess he knew where he was supposed to be. 

My beautiful grandkids.  For the most part - they were full of smiles the entire time we were together.  The two on each end belong to my daughter and the two in the middle belong to my son.  I felt very blessed the last few days. Emotions were raw and it was a bittersweet trip - but we were all glad we did it and we did it together.  That's what families do.  








I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever. 

Time continues to get away from me daily. The days are running from one to another and alot of time outside of work I honestly have no idea where it goes. I have kept very busy with work, running/walking/biking almost daily, watering (since we've had no rain for a month) and tending to my garden and flowers. I've posted a picture of my banana tree many of you have been wondering about. It's my little bit of Island Paradise right off my deck. It now has 4 big leaves. They just keep coming.  I'm told by the end of summer I should have green bananas and maybe next year ripe ones. My garden is also doing very well. As you can see it looks like it's on steroids.   I have a multitude of fresh green beans to enjoy.  I will eventually have a ton of tomatoes.  My zuchinni are currently being enjoyed by some creature who finds his way into my garden at night.  Last night I took the advice of a friend and hung CD's in amongst the zuchinni plants and it's supposed to scare the creatures away.......  I'll know soon if that worked.  Very frustrating to know that the fruits of my labor are for nothing! 

I think, hope, pray that my brand new car is now good to go.  It visited the mechanic shop two times within a weeks time.  It was making a horrible noise when starting periodically and it died on me twice in two intersections.  Oddly enough - they have had 4 other cars with my make and model that were doing the same thing---- BUT they chose not to fix mine like the other 4 the first time.  They updated a couple of computer programs and said it was good to go.  After a couple of days it told me different and I hauled it back and made my case and it was fixed.  They had to replace cam solenoid valves. It has been running very well and I hope it continues.  R wanted to me have a dependable car and I know he would not be happy if he knew I was dealing with this sort of thing. 

I'm very guilty for not returning phone calls to those of you who have left messages...I am doing what works for me right now. I'll get back to you -- be patient. I'm grateful for the warm weather so I can be outside. Staying home is a tough thing for me sometimes.   Last weekend was a double whammy - On Saturday - R had been gone for 3 months and on Sunday - it would of been our 35th wedding anniversary.   I've said it before - all those "first" things are never ending.  At the end of every hard day is a new day to look forward to.  I did receive a very precious gift this last week - my nephew (the family Jeweler) resized R's wedding band for me to wear.  I love it!!!  I have always liked this particular band and it's a constant reminder of what we had together.  Thank you JTM.  It looks awesome!  You do such a wonderful job!
"The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back." I spend alot of time going back over the last month of R's life. I don't know why it keeps coming back to me. It's one of those things that I have to get over. I have so many great memories of our 37 years together. I am so blessed with all my wonderful friends and family who have been there for me and the encouaragement that keeps coming. It means so much!  Thank you!!! 

I have no clue where the last week has gone - other than to say that I have kept extremely busy which is my ulitmate plan. It helps to ease the quietness of this house.  Last Sunday I traveled down south to see my wonderful son in action - doing what he does best!  I'm so proud of him!!  My deck has been powerwashed and stained thanks to my wonderful friends and family.  It looks marvelous!  What a big job!  It was a tough day though because it brings on yet another first of doing something R and I have done together in the past.

Me and My Best Friend

Today is another holiday......honestly where do they all come from??  I never knew how what was and will never be can eat away at one's heart.  This photo is my best friend and I.  My daughter and family & I were included in her families 4th of July party this past weekend.  Thanks B & B - we all had a great time and E is already asking to come back to B's house. 

A huge thank you to the guys at R's work they provided me with a gift card to get a tree in R's memory - I accomplished that his weekend.  I was able to get a small tree and 4 new bushes.  My wonderful neighbor assisted me in getting the old out and the new in.  So thankful for those people at my fingertips. I was starting to get out bush #2 when I noticed very quickly this 3 ft. snake that left me know it was apparent I was messing with his home.  We had a little stare down and I moved on to the other side of the landscaping as I waited for him to move on.  I thought he had moved on - however --- he moved back to his residence.  So thankfully - my neighbor  was able to move him onward to look for new housing hopefully at someone elses' home.  Word is he was "just" a garter snake and he's harmless.   But to me - he might as well of been 7 ft. long and as big around as my thigh.  My new tree and bushes look great - so thank you guys!!!  It means a great deal to me to have a beautiful visual in R's honor.  

I'm off to get my mileage in before it gets sunny and hot today.  Happy 4th of July to you all.  I continue to press onward.  I pray for God to see me though and keep me going.  

  

I have posted the words to the song "Blessings".  I have really come to like this song.  It contains alot of my thoughts and feelings right now.  It speaks of healing - It's a really hard place to be sometimes. I have more questions than answers.  I've ask a zillion times why God didn't answer the multitude of prayers for healing.

I am then reminded God gives us what we need rather than what we want. No one said we have to like it.  I need to look at life as speed bumps.  Speed bumps are things we all have to get over in order to enjoy the rest of the journey.

 

We have 3 choices in life - We can Give Up, Give In, or Give It All You've Got.  That goes along with my motto of "You can't go back,  You can't stay here, You must go Forward.  Everyday may not be good, but there is something good to be found in every day.  I've had some interesting challenges along the way but that makes life interesting.  Overcoming those challenges is what makes life meaningful.  I found this quote I want to share. "You may not end up where you thought you'd be,  but you will always end up where

you're meant to be."

 

If you haven't heard the song posted below - you can go to YouTube to listen.  It's an awesome song.

 

Laura Story - Blessings

We pray for blessings     We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep    We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering    All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops   What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights  Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom    Your voice to hear    And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love     As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea    And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops     What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights    Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us    When darkness seems to win    We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home    It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops    What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights    Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments    Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life    The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

The weeks are just flying by.  Summer is officially here this week.  It seemed to be so far away a couple of months ago and now here it is.  I keep incredibly busy - maybe not with what I want to be doing but with things that need to be done. At least the yard work has slowed down a little.  I have patted myself on the back with my tree and bush trimming abilities.  The next thing on my agenda is getting the timing right for putting the summer application of weed killer/fertilizer/whatever is in the bag on the lawn at just the right time to be effective.  Something tells me that I will be doing that process in the sprinkles of rain because my timing anymore has been a little off and I know it needs the rain to make it work.  So we'll see.....  

I was very fortunate to meet Kerrie Roberts Thursday night after a concert.  It was a huge deal for me.  She is the one who inspired me so much when dealing with R in the hospital and weeks following.  Her song "No Matter What" I posted on my blog several months ago.  She is an awesome person.  My brother in law had met her during the day on Thursday and told her about me and R and losing him to Cancer an how she was an inspiration to me.  She was in concert Thursday night along with Johnny Diaz. Following the Concert I had an awesome opportuntity to exhange a few words with her.  I was so glad I went.  

This weekend was a party weekend.  I got invited to my oldest grandaughters "Friend" B-Day Party".  There were 9 kids there and it was fun and busy.......and non stop.  LOL   Everyone had a great time.  Being around all those busy bodies will wear you out.  :)   

Sunday - we had a family birthday party and celebrated Fathers day with a super delicious cookout and surrounded by lots of family.  It was a tough day for me.  My heart is heavy on those holidays.  Just another one of those firsts (again).  How many of those do I have to endure in such a short time with everything else we've had to conquer?   I remind myself to keep a positive attitude and I will have fewer difficulities to encounter along my journey.   I keep myself motivated and pressing onward.

A positive attitude leads to happiness and success and can change your whole life. If you look at the bright side of life, your whole life becomes filled with light. This light affects not only you and the way you look at the world, but also your whole environment and the people around you. If it is strong enough, it becomes contagious.

Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow.

– Cherralea Morgen

Positive Thinking

It is better to talk of health, progress, happiness, and success, than of the contrary things.  It is better to think of the beautiful, truthful, inspiring, and ideal, than the opposite thoughts.  It is better to be cheerful, confident, expectant, and enthusiastic than to indulge in destructive feelings.  Knowing this, the right course is clearly open to you.  Fill your daily life so full of constructive thoughts and ideals, that there will be no room for negative and depressing ideas.  Confine your conversation to helpful, useful, encouraging subjects.  Be generous in thought, word, act, and purpose.  Make the world better for your being in it.  Take a strong stand for truth and righteousness, and make every day count toward your eternal progress and happiness. - Grenville Kleiser, 1917

Force yourself to concentrate on more positive thoughts and fewer negative thoughts. When a negative thought creeps in, overpower it with a positive one.  If your mind says, “I can’t possibly do this…“  Turn the tables on it an replace the thought with, “I can’t possibly fail!”

You’ll smile more.
You’ll feel happier.
You’ll feel more fulfilled.
You’ll have more confidence.
Nothing will seem impossible to you.

This week I have spent a great deal of time looking for the positive in alot of situations I am faced with.  I know I have been living in my own little world - doing my own little thing - not really having the energy or really caring about some of the things that used to mean a whole lot to me.  I have my own little PPP's at any given moment which is know is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances.  (PPP = Private Pity Party). For the most part I am still living up to my motto:  You can't go back.. You can't stay here.,.. You have to go forward... 

About the time I get those couple of steps forward then another first happens that can bring back all the emotions.  I had a birthday, my oldest grandaughter had a birthday and my oldest grandson played his first t-ball game. Those are all things that R enjoyed.  He would of been right out there on the field with E.  He would of taken me out for dinner and he loved celebrating the grandkids birthdays. 

I am hopeful that those "first time things" will get easier to deal with.  I am positive that mind over matter prevails to lesson the heartache.  I am working hard on the positive thinking - positive feelings - and making every day count and every day be the best it can be. 

“Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.” – Theodore Vail

Happy Thoughts:

My 2 month milestone.
My grandchildren - so resilient - honest - lovable. 
My key start mower.
My memories of all the good times.
My best friend stealing me away for an afternoon of FUN!
My banana tree is unveiling a new palm leaf.
My garden.
My courage.
My faith.
My family.
My friends.
Walking/running 5 miles.
Biking 15 miles.
My job & co-workers.

Knowing that:

The most important things in life aren't things.
Less Is More
Grace is truely amazing.
I am being watched over daily.
No one knows what they can do until they try.
You don't always get what you want but you can keep wishing.
I'm not alone.
I draw strength knowing others care about me.
I know who's in charge.
I am blessed.

You don't have to be the one responsible for making everything work.  Believe me.  The big things are already taken care of:  The sun will rise in the morning, the stars will come out at night, and -- if you work it right -- a child, someone you love, or a dear, close friend, will share a special smile with you -- and make everything wrong -- right again.
Douglas Pagels

"You Can't Go Back... You Can't Stay Here... You Must Go Forward..." 

This quote was staring me in the face in a book I have been reading. It makes a bold statement.  I have decided to borrow this quote for my motto.  It continues to remind me to keep moving on.  I have accomplished what I consider some "great feats" this weekend.... 

I changed my oil in my new mower which was suggested after 6 hours of use since the possibility existed of metal shavings etc...since it's new.  I read the book on how to do it and it worked very well.

I trimmed all the bushes and one tree with the electric trimmers....and I think they look pretty close to how R would of done them.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Good thing I have seen this done before by him. 

I bought stain for my deck.  As my luck would have it - I went to Lowes and walked into the stain aisle and it all might as well of been in Spanish, French or German because I had no idea what it said.  And where were all those wonderful helpers that are always there????  Finally a very sweet lady came along and helped me out.  She was my savior and I walked out with what I am pretty sure is what I need.

More times than not I wish I could just get an answer or two from R now and then.  I thought we had covered alot of material in a short amount of time during his illness but I am finding out - there is so much more to learn.  I have a lot of peeps that are very resourceful.  I'm more than grateful for answers when I need them.

I got my 5 miles in almost everyday this week.  One night I encountered a 5K race in progress on my route - luckily I was going the opposite direction so no one ran over me.  It sort of made me want to be a part of them.  But I am not ready for that yet.  However, I am making progress and I feel good about how far I have come to this date with picking running back up.  

I am ready for a new week to begin.  I can't believe it's going on 8 weeks in a few days that R checked out of life as we know it for something so much better.  A body made well again.  A opportunity to be with all the people who believe in everlasting life.  Walking on the streets of Gold each and every day never meeting a stranger. 

Be a Joy Germ and spread it to everyone you meet.  Find joy in the ordinary.  May your new week be overflowing with blessing.  You all bring joy to me and that means more to me than you will ever know.

Tidbits...


My patio table went together just like it had the last several years the other evening!  I was feeling pretty good about that!!


The Blood Drive held at R's workplace in his memory had twice as many donations given than they normally do!  That is an awesome thing!


Recommended read:  Heaven Is For Real!  A great book!!   Got me really thinking about R and what Heaven is like for him. 


My almost 5 year old grandaughter says to me Sunday morning at her house--"Everytime I go by the Peace Lily I think of Grandpa"  The kids and I were all blessed with a Peace Lily from the funeral.   Sometimes she says things that are way beyond what a 5 year old should be talking about. She struck a cord and I had to rebound quickly.  I am thankful for the memories they have and they do talk about him from time to time.

Grateful for sunshine and warmth!!!

Thankful for my best friend and husband and good friend for sharing the old hometown Pizza King the other night!  Super good pizza and loved the time together.   

Happy that I got to have two of my little people all day Sunday.  We had a great day together. 

I remain ever so thankful for the people God continues to put in my path.  They are my gentle reminders that each new day brings a new chance to keep going, to keep moving forward. 

" Life is like a book with many chapters we call seasons. Some chapters tell the story of love, drama, comedy, mystery, loss, adversity, growth, disappointment, triumph, etc. Some chapters are dull and ordinary, others intense and exciting. The key to enduring, persevering and being hopeful is to never stop on a difficult page, to never quit on a book or a chapter that seems too long. Some chapters may be sweet but too short. Your words, thoughts, actions, non-action and choices are the pens that write the pages in your book. Have the courage and faith to keep turning the pages believing better chapters lie ahead. God is the author and finisher of your life. Trust. Listen. Believe. Grow in God's word. Activate your gifts and talents. Be creative. Be kind. Be patient. Be faithful. Be grateful. Be fruitful."

It's been quite a week and for a change, I am anticipating a good weekend.  Mainly because I see the possibility of "sunshine" for the next few days.  That bright light up there in the sky does more for all of us than we realize.  Bring it on!!! 

This week I went up north to a retirement party for a past co-worker and a very dear friend.  There were almost 40 of us there and to see people that I spent 14 years with at B.E. was a bright spot in my week. It was almost like a step back in time to have JS, TP and myself all in the same place once again remincing about our B.E. days.  It was so good to see everyone!  I miss you all and think of you alot.  Enjoy your summer!!

Another first I had yesterday -- I always did the mowing even when R was around - but for some reason that is an emotional thing for me until yesterday - especially when I do the trimming.  I guess because he always followed behind to trim up the yard to keep it looking the best it could.  Last evening there were no tears when I trimmed or mowed.  Later on - I gave myself a pat on the back to say - "see things are improving little by little".  

I am so grateful for the offers of assistance with whatever I need.  I am so thankful for everyone keeping up with me - even though I am horrible about keeping up with you most of the time.  The days go so fast and I fill up my idle time to the brim and I'm glad I can do that.  Right now that is very important to me to be busy and keep my little feet moving forward. I know you all understand when you don' t get an email or phone call back.      

My garden is growing like crazy - it must enjoy the monsoon season we've been having.  This weekend I will get my table put together that has been laying on the deck just watching me pass it by for several weeks now.
Another one of those things - that I know since some time has passed - it will go together like peanut butter and jelly.  :) 

I hope you all have a very enjoyable weekend.  Jump into everything with love and passion. It's easier on some days than others........and always remember - results may vary.

"Everything that occurs in your life is part of God's plan to wake you up."

 

  

The firsts just keep coming......  and they aren't easy to experience.  This last weekend my daughter and family and I went to my son's for my youngest grandson's # 1 birthday party.  I didn't realize until a couple of days before we went that it was going to be super tough.   An awesome memory I have of R is with he and  TB at 3 months old just laughing and talking and giggling and cooing....  and R telling him he about the fishing trip they would one day take.  Unfortunately things change. 

We stayed at the home of our friends and they are just the greatest people in the world - but there again R used to love to be there with them and share in their company.  We all missed him greatly this last weekend.  It wasn't the same.  He is supposed to be there celebrating with us.  He is supposed to be sharing in the happy times. 

Tonight I braved the Verizon store to cancel R's cell phone.  I had my faith restored in them just a little - they cancelled his phone with no problem....no discussion.... they were very nice about it.  Most of the time with Verizon you have to get a signature from God to get anything accomplished.  On my way out of the store it just seemed like it was another reminder that he is really truely gone.  Little by little I am getting things in order. 

The firsts will be there for an eternity. I will always be grateful for the wonderful memories that can never be taken from me. I have faith that the firsts will become easier with time.  I continue to look for the little blessings that give me hope and nurture my soul.  While doing my 5 miles tonight I had a chance to reflect on the last several months. It's still hard to believe what we have been through.  I still have some things to conquer.  I still have many things to get a grasp on - and I'll get there sooner or later.  I have learned there is no hurry.  You do it when you know you can handle doing it.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  Begin it well!!!