December 19, 2011

Hard to believe that it's been over a year that the world as we knew it spiraled out of control. A year ago I was giving everyone a play by play per day on what we were going through.  It all seems like a bad dream.  Things like this always happen to someone else - not people like us.  I will never understand it all.......and it's not for me to question. 

Time just continues to move on - no matter what.  I miss Randy so  much.  It's very tough to come home to an empty quiet house every day.  I will admit somedays it feels like he is at work and I've got a few hours to get some things accomplished before he walks in the door.  And then I remember....I would give anything to have him back healthy and happy.  I have an oceanliner full of memories which I cherish.  Everybody out there needs to keep your memories alive - create new ones and keep them close to your heart. 

I'm finding plenty of things to fill my time to keep busy outside of working.  It's the only way I can keep moving forward.  Very thankful for my kids and grandkids who are my rock!  We will all be together for several days over the holidays doing something different to escape the way we always did things.  I'm looking forward to having everyone together.  I will report on what we did following the holidays.

I accomplish an entire session of GriefShare. Fourteen weeks to be exact.  I actually got to where I enjoyed going.  I learned quite a bit along the way.  I feel like it helped me in many ways.  I also made some friends with people who share my story.  We became a close group we now can call friends.  We will continue to support each other for hopefully a long time to come.

This season of "Happy -Joyful" has been a tough one for me.  I will be very glad when 2012 arrives.  It is a new chance to hopefully have a better year.  Not sure what God has planned for me.... but i'm open to finding out.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us".

It seems like the grief roller coaster continues to be ever present in my life.  It pulls you up, then drops you down.  It twists and twirls, leaving your heart in your throat and your mind a blur.  I have moments when I feel like i'm moving upward and all of a sudden I see something, hear a song that reminds me of R and the roller coaster jolts downward and I feel like I'm falling back to where I was. The loss is painful but I know I will eventually recover.  I cling to that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn't feel it.  I know that I will not always feel as I do now. 

I have perservered with GriefShare.  Last week's class was all about wanting to know "why".  I ask God why all the time.  Why did this happen to me - to my family?   What am I supposed to learn from all of this?   He of course hasn't paved that path for me yet.  I can't help but think there must be something far better out there that he hasn't shown me yet.  I can't imagine what that might be but I guess i'm hanging on for dear life to find out.  It's very hard for me to wake up every morning and give it all to God - hard for me to tell him I need you to take this from me today... hard for me to ask "Not Why...But How"???  I'm working on that whole process.  Grieving is very hard work.  I'm hopeful that God will take all the broken pieces of my tragedy and transform them into something good.  

I have just passed my 6 month milestone.  The months just keep going faster and faster.  I get that overwhelming feeling once in a while because there is a lot to keep up with here.  I guess I have to start cleaning the house a little more than normal - I told myself when it got colder - I would feel like cleaning.  Not sure I feel like it - but none the less - it needs to be done.  

I'm already missing out on not being able to run and walk outside.  This weekend was a clear indicator that the cold air has seeped in to stay for a while.  I mowed yesterday and thought I was going to blow to Illinois with that crazy wind.   I need to get back to the gym for the winter months.  I have a nice treadmill and weights and a zillion programs I could do here but clearly not the same. I need the incentive to push myself upward and onward.    

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying.  Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful. 

Did you know that "Fear Not" is mentioned 365 times in the Bible?   Coincidence????  

I have joined a group called "Grief Share".  Grief Share is  for anyyone who has lost someone important to them.  Two of the facilitators have each lost their spouse so I felt like they can really relate especially to me.   The first night I went - I felt like I was in an "AA" group. I have since been inspired and it has been encouraging to me - I will hang in there with the commitment that I made to myself...but I sill refer to it as my "AA" group.    

Yesterday I had a privilege of getting some last minute guests.  We have to piece the group shot together because T had no interest in cooperating . We did the best we could.  They had a great time together.  So good to see my kids and grandkids all in the same spot.  We had a nice long leisurely afternoon together.

T couldn't understand why the girls kept the door shut to the toy room - but in to time - we had toys scattered down the hallway and into the living room to keep everyone happy.  He was so funny talking up a storm.  He knows exactly what he wants.





 I had a fruit pizza ready for the kids 
to decorate.  They had a great time - we were thinking maybe they would get a pattern going - however - the finished product looked
pretty good.  Everyone agreed they made a super looking pizza and it was yummy.   They were proud of it when it was done. 











Happy Thoughts:  My car had a full diognostic check up and is doing great!  I learned about furnace filters this last week.  My banana tree made it to 10 leaves! My grass is green once again. My lawn trimmer does an awesome job.  My tomatoes are still turning red.  I got a new phone today. 

My newest discovery: Journey On by Ty Herndon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HUYF8wFchI&feature=player_detailpage

I encourage you to listen to the song. I am definately on a journey - some good days and some that I wonder when it will end. I have some times where God lets me have my angry moments where he gets bombarded with all sorts of questions.  I don't get any answers but sometimes I feel better just getting it sent his direction.    I will keep on going - doing the best I can do. I still have the unfortunate honor of experiencing more of the "first things". I know they will be around for a long time to come yet.

Fort Myers Beach, FL - 2007

Know what you want to do, hold the thought firmly and do everyday
what should be done and every sunset will see you that much nearer the goal.

My blog has been put on the back burner lately.  I have been keeping myself busy with other things besides setting at this crazy computer.  It was one of my weekend goals to get a post out.  So much has happened since I last wrote.  My days are beginning to be a little more manageable with the emptiness that I've had to endure.  In a sense, grieving is actually a show of faith. We are trusting God to hold us in our most vulnerable time, when our feelings are raw, our life is in pieces, and our strength is gone.  If that isn't faith, I'm not sure what is.

I have given R's clothes away to a very deserving individual. It wasn't a bad experience letting them go.  I still have some things that I will keep.  I think the reason it was easier than I thought is the recipient has a history to his life that would make you just shake your head that so much can happen to one person.  He is amazing.  He has always been one of those people that continues to give of himself over and over even though he's had alot of major things to deal with. If he gets knocked down - he gets right back up.   I was grateful that he accepted the invitation to go through R's clothes. 

These 100+ degree days are getting old.  I did my 5 miles only once the last three days.  I kept toying with the idea of getting out there today - but after the "landscaping rock" party today at my daughters house - I think I've had enough.  I can't remember in tons how much rock we took care of today - but I promise you it was ALOT!  It looks very nice. 

I'm posting another picture of my banana tree. 
It's growing like crazy.  It now has 9 big palm
leaves. My friend tells me the record is 11 in one season.   I'm hoping the frost holds off for a long time so I can make at least the record.  The babies should start appearing soon.  I know several of you are anxiously awaiting a delivery next spring so we'll see what happens. 

Here's my first attempt at a Cake Decorating.  My BFF and I signed up and took a class together.  We loved it.  I thought sure my cake would end up in the next edition of "Cake Wrecks" but by a wing and a prayer - it turned out.  And it was delicious.  I'm not very creative - but I sure felt proud of my first decoration job.   What do you think L.S.???? 

My two oldest grandkids were thrilled when I showed up with my masterpiece.  As you can see the big kindergarten girl did a pretty good posing job.  Then Mr. E wanted to make sure he got in on the action as well. 

I continue to be very grateful for my friends and family who continue to stand beside me in my journey. It means the world to me.  I have been in touch with a couple of individuals - one is going to proof my blog for grammatical errrors and the other person has actually published a couple of books.  She knows the who what where when of writing something and having it published.  I have been told by many people to get my blog published.  They tell me there are others out there who need to hear my story.  They tell me I have been an inspiration to them.  I appreciate your kind compliments.   

"Each day brings with it the miracle of a new beginning.  Many of the moments ahead will be marvelously disguised as ordinary days, but each one of us has the chance to make something extraordinary out of them."             Douglas Pagels

Our Family July 2011

Our "updated" family photo.  It has taken me the last three weeks to be strong enough to even get this posted.  There is definately an empty spot in more ways than one.  I have been keeping super busy and keeping up on running/walking/biking even in the heat we've all endured.  For those of you who didn't know - a good sweat will help lesson the anxieties that tend to visit.  I feel like I'm beginning to adjust to the "New Normal".  I don't like it - but I have no choice.  I have to keep moving forward.  I have to keep my motto playing over and over in my head. 

It's been 4 months since Randy's passing. In one way the time has gone pretty quickly and in yet another way it hurts worse today than it did 4 months ago. I miss him like crazy. My grandkids are always talking about him - which is good - I want them to talk about him. A very big part of me will never be the same. I have reached each each stage of grief a couple times over and I've been conquering the stages one by one... 1.  Denial - It hasn't really happened - I know he's going to come walking back through that door.  2.  Anger -  Why did God have to take him???  3.  Bargaining - I lost this one before the session could start.  4.  Depression - All the firsts I've already endured and more to come.  5.  Acceptance.  No explanation needed.

I know the process is going to take a long time....  I'm learning tons more than I ever wanted to know.

I've managed to do some traveling with my company here lately.  Doing some one day stuff here and there.  Two weeks ago I took a group to Chicago for shopping.I took BJC along and we had a great time. We did some shopping, sight seeing and also fed a homeless man at Millinium Park. Yesterday I was actually a passenger on a great trip through Amish Country.  My mom got a workout on this one. We were in and out of that bus all day long.  Enjoyed it alot.

The biggies last week for me -- My oldest grandaughter started all day kindergarten - I've met her teacher and seen her classroom.  She's all settled in after two days of school and has become a pro at it all already.  My oldest grandson started a new Day Care and surprised us all by really enjoying his new surroundings.  He will start preschool there soon.  The younger of my grandaughters will begin preschool in a couple of weeks- I'm sure she will adjust in her surroundings just fine as well.  I'm excited for all of them.  The youngest - he will just enjoy the break from his sister I'm sure.

I'm exploring some options for my idle winter stuck in the house time.  Stay tuned for possible a sneak peak.     

"You should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet - enough trials to make you strong - enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."

R's Final Resting Place - Rainbow Falls, Smoky Mountains - Gatlinburg, TN

I have just returned from an amazing time away with my kids and their families.  We stayed in a cabin the Smoky Mountains.  The purpose of the vacation was a tribute to R.  He loved the Smoky Mountains.  BJ, A & myself hiked 6 miles in the heat uphill and back down to fulfill the purpose of our trip.  I felt a sense of peace following the scattering of his remains.  I know his spirit was with us as we shed some tears and said our good byes.  I wondered if we could get any closer to Heaven than where we were.  We celebrated his life with ice cream because we know that's what he would of wanted us to do.

This is our cabin.  We had a great time just being together. The cabin had three floors with three king size bedrooms and bathrooms as well as queen size sofa's.  We each had our own floor.  There were two huge decks with swings and gliders that got used daily.  We enjoyed it alot.  To have all the grandkids in the same place is tons of fun.  Never a dull moment. 

This was the view from our deck.  Quite a calming sight.  We all loved to go out there and just relax.  The beauty created for us all to take in is absoutely amazing. 

This little?? guy decided to join our neighborhood because he was apparently hungry.  Luckily the kids got to see him a little better before he was chased away.  There was a Black Bear alert while we were there.  Lucky us.  We were always checking around the corner when we wanted to set outside.  The neighborhood we were in was called Black Bear Falls.  I guess he knew where he was supposed to be. 

My beautiful grandkids.  For the most part - they were full of smiles the entire time we were together.  The two on each end belong to my daughter and the two in the middle belong to my son.  I felt very blessed the last few days. Emotions were raw and it was a bittersweet trip - but we were all glad we did it and we did it together.  That's what families do.  








I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever. 

Time continues to get away from me daily. The days are running from one to another and alot of time outside of work I honestly have no idea where it goes. I have kept very busy with work, running/walking/biking almost daily, watering (since we've had no rain for a month) and tending to my garden and flowers. I've posted a picture of my banana tree many of you have been wondering about. It's my little bit of Island Paradise right off my deck. It now has 4 big leaves. They just keep coming.  I'm told by the end of summer I should have green bananas and maybe next year ripe ones. My garden is also doing very well. As you can see it looks like it's on steroids.   I have a multitude of fresh green beans to enjoy.  I will eventually have a ton of tomatoes.  My zuchinni are currently being enjoyed by some creature who finds his way into my garden at night.  Last night I took the advice of a friend and hung CD's in amongst the zuchinni plants and it's supposed to scare the creatures away.......  I'll know soon if that worked.  Very frustrating to know that the fruits of my labor are for nothing! 

I think, hope, pray that my brand new car is now good to go.  It visited the mechanic shop two times within a weeks time.  It was making a horrible noise when starting periodically and it died on me twice in two intersections.  Oddly enough - they have had 4 other cars with my make and model that were doing the same thing---- BUT they chose not to fix mine like the other 4 the first time.  They updated a couple of computer programs and said it was good to go.  After a couple of days it told me different and I hauled it back and made my case and it was fixed.  They had to replace cam solenoid valves. It has been running very well and I hope it continues.  R wanted to me have a dependable car and I know he would not be happy if he knew I was dealing with this sort of thing. 

I'm very guilty for not returning phone calls to those of you who have left messages...I am doing what works for me right now. I'll get back to you -- be patient. I'm grateful for the warm weather so I can be outside. Staying home is a tough thing for me sometimes.   Last weekend was a double whammy - On Saturday - R had been gone for 3 months and on Sunday - it would of been our 35th wedding anniversary.   I've said it before - all those "first" things are never ending.  At the end of every hard day is a new day to look forward to.  I did receive a very precious gift this last week - my nephew (the family Jeweler) resized R's wedding band for me to wear.  I love it!!!  I have always liked this particular band and it's a constant reminder of what we had together.  Thank you JTM.  It looks awesome!  You do such a wonderful job!
"The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back." I spend alot of time going back over the last month of R's life. I don't know why it keeps coming back to me. It's one of those things that I have to get over. I have so many great memories of our 37 years together. I am so blessed with all my wonderful friends and family who have been there for me and the encouaragement that keeps coming. It means so much!  Thank you!!! 

I have no clue where the last week has gone - other than to say that I have kept extremely busy which is my ulitmate plan. It helps to ease the quietness of this house.  Last Sunday I traveled down south to see my wonderful son in action - doing what he does best!  I'm so proud of him!!  My deck has been powerwashed and stained thanks to my wonderful friends and family.  It looks marvelous!  What a big job!  It was a tough day though because it brings on yet another first of doing something R and I have done together in the past.

Me and My Best Friend

Today is another holiday......honestly where do they all come from??  I never knew how what was and will never be can eat away at one's heart.  This photo is my best friend and I.  My daughter and family & I were included in her families 4th of July party this past weekend.  Thanks B & B - we all had a great time and E is already asking to come back to B's house. 

A huge thank you to the guys at R's work they provided me with a gift card to get a tree in R's memory - I accomplished that his weekend.  I was able to get a small tree and 4 new bushes.  My wonderful neighbor assisted me in getting the old out and the new in.  So thankful for those people at my fingertips. I was starting to get out bush #2 when I noticed very quickly this 3 ft. snake that left me know it was apparent I was messing with his home.  We had a little stare down and I moved on to the other side of the landscaping as I waited for him to move on.  I thought he had moved on - however --- he moved back to his residence.  So thankfully - my neighbor  was able to move him onward to look for new housing hopefully at someone elses' home.  Word is he was "just" a garter snake and he's harmless.   But to me - he might as well of been 7 ft. long and as big around as my thigh.  My new tree and bushes look great - so thank you guys!!!  It means a great deal to me to have a beautiful visual in R's honor.  

I'm off to get my mileage in before it gets sunny and hot today.  Happy 4th of July to you all.  I continue to press onward.  I pray for God to see me though and keep me going.  

  

I have posted the words to the song "Blessings".  I have really come to like this song.  It contains alot of my thoughts and feelings right now.  It speaks of healing - It's a really hard place to be sometimes. I have more questions than answers.  I've ask a zillion times why God didn't answer the multitude of prayers for healing.

I am then reminded God gives us what we need rather than what we want. No one said we have to like it.  I need to look at life as speed bumps.  Speed bumps are things we all have to get over in order to enjoy the rest of the journey.

 

We have 3 choices in life - We can Give Up, Give In, or Give It All You've Got.  That goes along with my motto of "You can't go back,  You can't stay here, You must go Forward.  Everyday may not be good, but there is something good to be found in every day.  I've had some interesting challenges along the way but that makes life interesting.  Overcoming those challenges is what makes life meaningful.  I found this quote I want to share. "You may not end up where you thought you'd be,  but you will always end up where

you're meant to be."

 

If you haven't heard the song posted below - you can go to YouTube to listen.  It's an awesome song.

 

Laura Story - Blessings

We pray for blessings     We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep    We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering    All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops   What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights  Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom    Your voice to hear    And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love     As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea    And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops     What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights    Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us    When darkness seems to win    We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home    It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops    What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights    Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments    Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life    The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

The weeks are just flying by.  Summer is officially here this week.  It seemed to be so far away a couple of months ago and now here it is.  I keep incredibly busy - maybe not with what I want to be doing but with things that need to be done. At least the yard work has slowed down a little.  I have patted myself on the back with my tree and bush trimming abilities.  The next thing on my agenda is getting the timing right for putting the summer application of weed killer/fertilizer/whatever is in the bag on the lawn at just the right time to be effective.  Something tells me that I will be doing that process in the sprinkles of rain because my timing anymore has been a little off and I know it needs the rain to make it work.  So we'll see.....  

I was very fortunate to meet Kerrie Roberts Thursday night after a concert.  It was a huge deal for me.  She is the one who inspired me so much when dealing with R in the hospital and weeks following.  Her song "No Matter What" I posted on my blog several months ago.  She is an awesome person.  My brother in law had met her during the day on Thursday and told her about me and R and losing him to Cancer an how she was an inspiration to me.  She was in concert Thursday night along with Johnny Diaz. Following the Concert I had an awesome opportuntity to exhange a few words with her.  I was so glad I went.  

This weekend was a party weekend.  I got invited to my oldest grandaughters "Friend" B-Day Party".  There were 9 kids there and it was fun and busy.......and non stop.  LOL   Everyone had a great time.  Being around all those busy bodies will wear you out.  :)   

Sunday - we had a family birthday party and celebrated Fathers day with a super delicious cookout and surrounded by lots of family.  It was a tough day for me.  My heart is heavy on those holidays.  Just another one of those firsts (again).  How many of those do I have to endure in such a short time with everything else we've had to conquer?   I remind myself to keep a positive attitude and I will have fewer difficulities to encounter along my journey.   I keep myself motivated and pressing onward.

A positive attitude leads to happiness and success and can change your whole life. If you look at the bright side of life, your whole life becomes filled with light. This light affects not only you and the way you look at the world, but also your whole environment and the people around you. If it is strong enough, it becomes contagious.

Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow.

– Cherralea Morgen

Positive Thinking

It is better to talk of health, progress, happiness, and success, than of the contrary things.  It is better to think of the beautiful, truthful, inspiring, and ideal, than the opposite thoughts.  It is better to be cheerful, confident, expectant, and enthusiastic than to indulge in destructive feelings.  Knowing this, the right course is clearly open to you.  Fill your daily life so full of constructive thoughts and ideals, that there will be no room for negative and depressing ideas.  Confine your conversation to helpful, useful, encouraging subjects.  Be generous in thought, word, act, and purpose.  Make the world better for your being in it.  Take a strong stand for truth and righteousness, and make every day count toward your eternal progress and happiness. - Grenville Kleiser, 1917

Force yourself to concentrate on more positive thoughts and fewer negative thoughts. When a negative thought creeps in, overpower it with a positive one.  If your mind says, “I can’t possibly do this…“  Turn the tables on it an replace the thought with, “I can’t possibly fail!”

You’ll smile more.
You’ll feel happier.
You’ll feel more fulfilled.
You’ll have more confidence.
Nothing will seem impossible to you.

This week I have spent a great deal of time looking for the positive in alot of situations I am faced with.  I know I have been living in my own little world - doing my own little thing - not really having the energy or really caring about some of the things that used to mean a whole lot to me.  I have my own little PPP's at any given moment which is know is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances.  (PPP = Private Pity Party). For the most part I am still living up to my motto:  You can't go back.. You can't stay here.,.. You have to go forward... 

About the time I get those couple of steps forward then another first happens that can bring back all the emotions.  I had a birthday, my oldest grandaughter had a birthday and my oldest grandson played his first t-ball game. Those are all things that R enjoyed.  He would of been right out there on the field with E.  He would of taken me out for dinner and he loved celebrating the grandkids birthdays. 

I am hopeful that those "first time things" will get easier to deal with.  I am positive that mind over matter prevails to lesson the heartache.  I am working hard on the positive thinking - positive feelings - and making every day count and every day be the best it can be. 

“Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.” – Theodore Vail

Happy Thoughts:

My 2 month milestone.
My grandchildren - so resilient - honest - lovable. 
My key start mower.
My memories of all the good times.
My best friend stealing me away for an afternoon of FUN!
My banana tree is unveiling a new palm leaf.
My garden.
My courage.
My faith.
My family.
My friends.
Walking/running 5 miles.
Biking 15 miles.
My job & co-workers.

Knowing that:

The most important things in life aren't things.
Less Is More
Grace is truely amazing.
I am being watched over daily.
No one knows what they can do until they try.
You don't always get what you want but you can keep wishing.
I'm not alone.
I draw strength knowing others care about me.
I know who's in charge.
I am blessed.

You don't have to be the one responsible for making everything work.  Believe me.  The big things are already taken care of:  The sun will rise in the morning, the stars will come out at night, and -- if you work it right -- a child, someone you love, or a dear, close friend, will share a special smile with you -- and make everything wrong -- right again.
Douglas Pagels

"You Can't Go Back... You Can't Stay Here... You Must Go Forward..." 

This quote was staring me in the face in a book I have been reading. It makes a bold statement.  I have decided to borrow this quote for my motto.  It continues to remind me to keep moving on.  I have accomplished what I consider some "great feats" this weekend.... 

I changed my oil in my new mower which was suggested after 6 hours of use since the possibility existed of metal shavings etc...since it's new.  I read the book on how to do it and it worked very well.

I trimmed all the bushes and one tree with the electric trimmers....and I think they look pretty close to how R would of done them.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Good thing I have seen this done before by him. 

I bought stain for my deck.  As my luck would have it - I went to Lowes and walked into the stain aisle and it all might as well of been in Spanish, French or German because I had no idea what it said.  And where were all those wonderful helpers that are always there????  Finally a very sweet lady came along and helped me out.  She was my savior and I walked out with what I am pretty sure is what I need.

More times than not I wish I could just get an answer or two from R now and then.  I thought we had covered alot of material in a short amount of time during his illness but I am finding out - there is so much more to learn.  I have a lot of peeps that are very resourceful.  I'm more than grateful for answers when I need them.

I got my 5 miles in almost everyday this week.  One night I encountered a 5K race in progress on my route - luckily I was going the opposite direction so no one ran over me.  It sort of made me want to be a part of them.  But I am not ready for that yet.  However, I am making progress and I feel good about how far I have come to this date with picking running back up.  

I am ready for a new week to begin.  I can't believe it's going on 8 weeks in a few days that R checked out of life as we know it for something so much better.  A body made well again.  A opportunity to be with all the people who believe in everlasting life.  Walking on the streets of Gold each and every day never meeting a stranger. 

Be a Joy Germ and spread it to everyone you meet.  Find joy in the ordinary.  May your new week be overflowing with blessing.  You all bring joy to me and that means more to me than you will ever know.

Tidbits...


My patio table went together just like it had the last several years the other evening!  I was feeling pretty good about that!!


The Blood Drive held at R's workplace in his memory had twice as many donations given than they normally do!  That is an awesome thing!


Recommended read:  Heaven Is For Real!  A great book!!   Got me really thinking about R and what Heaven is like for him. 


My almost 5 year old grandaughter says to me Sunday morning at her house--"Everytime I go by the Peace Lily I think of Grandpa"  The kids and I were all blessed with a Peace Lily from the funeral.   Sometimes she says things that are way beyond what a 5 year old should be talking about. She struck a cord and I had to rebound quickly.  I am thankful for the memories they have and they do talk about him from time to time.

Grateful for sunshine and warmth!!!

Thankful for my best friend and husband and good friend for sharing the old hometown Pizza King the other night!  Super good pizza and loved the time together.   

Happy that I got to have two of my little people all day Sunday.  We had a great day together. 

I remain ever so thankful for the people God continues to put in my path.  They are my gentle reminders that each new day brings a new chance to keep going, to keep moving forward. 

" Life is like a book with many chapters we call seasons. Some chapters tell the story of love, drama, comedy, mystery, loss, adversity, growth, disappointment, triumph, etc. Some chapters are dull and ordinary, others intense and exciting. The key to enduring, persevering and being hopeful is to never stop on a difficult page, to never quit on a book or a chapter that seems too long. Some chapters may be sweet but too short. Your words, thoughts, actions, non-action and choices are the pens that write the pages in your book. Have the courage and faith to keep turning the pages believing better chapters lie ahead. God is the author and finisher of your life. Trust. Listen. Believe. Grow in God's word. Activate your gifts and talents. Be creative. Be kind. Be patient. Be faithful. Be grateful. Be fruitful."

It's been quite a week and for a change, I am anticipating a good weekend.  Mainly because I see the possibility of "sunshine" for the next few days.  That bright light up there in the sky does more for all of us than we realize.  Bring it on!!! 

This week I went up north to a retirement party for a past co-worker and a very dear friend.  There were almost 40 of us there and to see people that I spent 14 years with at B.E. was a bright spot in my week. It was almost like a step back in time to have JS, TP and myself all in the same place once again remincing about our B.E. days.  It was so good to see everyone!  I miss you all and think of you alot.  Enjoy your summer!!

Another first I had yesterday -- I always did the mowing even when R was around - but for some reason that is an emotional thing for me until yesterday - especially when I do the trimming.  I guess because he always followed behind to trim up the yard to keep it looking the best it could.  Last evening there were no tears when I trimmed or mowed.  Later on - I gave myself a pat on the back to say - "see things are improving little by little".  

I am so grateful for the offers of assistance with whatever I need.  I am so thankful for everyone keeping up with me - even though I am horrible about keeping up with you most of the time.  The days go so fast and I fill up my idle time to the brim and I'm glad I can do that.  Right now that is very important to me to be busy and keep my little feet moving forward. I know you all understand when you don' t get an email or phone call back.      

My garden is growing like crazy - it must enjoy the monsoon season we've been having.  This weekend I will get my table put together that has been laying on the deck just watching me pass it by for several weeks now.
Another one of those things - that I know since some time has passed - it will go together like peanut butter and jelly.  :) 

I hope you all have a very enjoyable weekend.  Jump into everything with love and passion. It's easier on some days than others........and always remember - results may vary.

"Everything that occurs in your life is part of God's plan to wake you up."

 

  

The firsts just keep coming......  and they aren't easy to experience.  This last weekend my daughter and family and I went to my son's for my youngest grandson's # 1 birthday party.  I didn't realize until a couple of days before we went that it was going to be super tough.   An awesome memory I have of R is with he and  TB at 3 months old just laughing and talking and giggling and cooing....  and R telling him he about the fishing trip they would one day take.  Unfortunately things change. 

We stayed at the home of our friends and they are just the greatest people in the world - but there again R used to love to be there with them and share in their company.  We all missed him greatly this last weekend.  It wasn't the same.  He is supposed to be there celebrating with us.  He is supposed to be sharing in the happy times. 

Tonight I braved the Verizon store to cancel R's cell phone.  I had my faith restored in them just a little - they cancelled his phone with no problem....no discussion.... they were very nice about it.  Most of the time with Verizon you have to get a signature from God to get anything accomplished.  On my way out of the store it just seemed like it was another reminder that he is really truely gone.  Little by little I am getting things in order. 

The firsts will be there for an eternity. I will always be grateful for the wonderful memories that can never be taken from me. I have faith that the firsts will become easier with time.  I continue to look for the little blessings that give me hope and nurture my soul.  While doing my 5 miles tonight I had a chance to reflect on the last several months. It's still hard to believe what we have been through.  I still have some things to conquer.  I still have many things to get a grasp on - and I'll get there sooner or later.  I have learned there is no hurry.  You do it when you know you can handle doing it.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  Begin it well!!!    

I have been reading a couple of books on Grief.  I have realized that at times when things are a blur to me - or I forget things - or the times I wander aimlessly around the house or the grocery in robotic mode - the feeling of being on a 10 second delay - those are all part of the grieving process. Grief is all normal, natural and necessary.  It's normal after being with someone for more than 1/2 of my lifetime.  It's natural in that it's a completly human thing to do.   It's necessary to let the emotions flow when they begin to come to the surface.

I came across the term "Creative Survivor".  Interesting huh??  I know that R would want me to be creative - I can hear him saying - you can do it - just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I do feel pretty good about some things I've accomplished and other things that I know he's up there looking down - saying well ... hmmm....  I guess it will work that way.  Some things I'm sure he is proud of me for getting it done!

Creativity isn't really my thing - I'm more of a see it somewhere and do it - than create it on my own.......but I will continue to attempt to be creative and move onward one day at a time because he would of wanted me to do just that and it's going to be O.K.   

"If God brings it to you - God will bring you through it."


    



   

I can't believe I haven't been here much this week.  I have been keeping myself very busy after work each day with the nice weather and that means I'm not inside much until it's late.  It's been a week of ups and downs for me and I know that's to be expected.  There are still a million things that can set off the tears.  I've learned there is no reason to be strong all the time.  I am still under the care of many wonderful people who keep tabs on me and that makes me feel good. 

I received a poster this week from the nurse at R's workplace for a blood drive they are having.  At the bottom of the poster it says:  "Dedicated in memory of R... B..."  That got to me as well as the note from the nurse that said they miss him too. I'm sure they will have a great turn out.  He would be flattered.  He always gave blood when he could for years prior to getting sick.  If it wasn't so raw for me I'd love to attend and give blood on that day - but I just don't think I can.

I decided I wasn't going to come home tonight to an empty house - so I showed up at my daughters and snagged a couple grandkids and told my daughter and son in law it was time for a date night.  The kids and I had Taco Bell which we all enjoyed and later on ice cream that was supposed to be our secret but the secret was out of the bag about 20 seconds after the parents entered the house to pick them up.  Oh well.. we had a great time together and my evening was filled with coloring, lego's, bowling and many other things scattered throughout the house.

I witnessed an act of kindness this week that I was quite impressed with.  An elderly gentlemen went through a 4 way stop sign and lost an entire skid of softner salt right off the back of his truck.  It only took moments for two different guys to pull off the road and help this man fill his truck back up with these bags that weighed at least 50 pounds each.  I know he appreciated it very much - the poor man could hardly walk when he got out of his truck.  I was encouraged that there are people out there who are very willing to help a stranger.  It got me to thinking about looking for a form of encouragement each day this week and I was successful.  In my present scenrio I want to look for encouagement and give encouragement. I want to make a difference.  I want others to be inspired with the little simple acts of kindness they may see and hopefully it sways their thought process if only for a small amount of time and in time they pay it forward.

Heavenly father, I'm often anxious about what might happen in the days ahead.  Help me to trust you.  Fill me with praise for all you have done, all you are doing now, and what you will do in the future.

"Keep in mind that every challenge, great or small, is moving you to look deeper and draw forth the highest in you. You're never given a challenge beyond your ability to meet and master. You'll rise above every circumstance because you're greater than any circumstance." - Alan Cohen

I'm talking myself into believing the above quote tonight.  It seems I can rise above most challenges at work and at home.  Tonight however, my attempt to get the patio table put together I was defeated.  I have put that table together for the last several years so I am not sure what the deal is.  I gave up - but not easily.  It is now on my deck waiting on me to try again......someday........probably soon.  :)

Mother's Day was good. I joined my daughter and family for church.  I was surrounded by my family the rest of the day and grateful we kept busy all day.  I used to enjoy the holidays - so far not this year at all.  It all started with Thanksgiving last year now that I think about it - things have not been the same since and never will be.

R has been gone for a month today which is really hard to believe.  Sometimes it still feels like he is at work and he'll be coming through the door any minute. I miss him like crazy and I have to remind myself he's no longer suffering.  He's walking the streets of gold.  He's at the biggest celebration that is beyond your wildest imagination.

I hope the challenges you face are no where near the depth of what I experienced these past 5 months. Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. I'm working on rising above the challenges.  I'm hoping to use my experience to benefit someone that might now be wearing the shoes that I have recently worn. 

Ephesians 6:10


       

My heart is bursting at the seams tonight.  My oldest grandaughter had her preschool program tonight to celebrate the school year coming to a close.   It all flashes back to our kids being younger and how fast the time has gone and to where we are today.  R would of loved to see her tonight up there with all the kids just singing her little heart out.  It was awesome!  I'm sure he was watching and smiling from afar. 

I had a surprise phone call today from R's Hospice nurse.  She just wanted to check up on me. We had a nice talk.  I was happy she called.  My dad built me a raised garden this week so hopefully soon - my brother will be here with my dirt and I can get some things planted and fenced off from the little critters that will be trying to find a way to get my garden food. 

My week has been very busy and thankfully the weekend is filled right up with various things going on.  It's good to be busy especially over the weekends.  They can be long and quiet at times.  I'm still getting my mileage in as many days as possible between the rain showers.  I hope the crazy rains end soon.  I'm ready for warm weather.... hopefully we are on to summer weather because it looks like we skipped spring altogether. 

Happy Mothers Day to all the Wonderful Mothers I know.  Blessings to you all!!  

Live Simply....Love Generously....Care Deeply....Leave The Rest To God....

I have learned to live simply - to simplify - to not make a mountain out of a molehill - make it easy on myself.  I have leaned to love more generously - my children - my grandchildren.  Never take one moment for granted.  Time waits for no one.  Treasure every moment you have.  I do care deeply about more things than I ever have in the past.  I have learned to let go and let God.  The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

I feel very protected.
I feel very loved.
I feel very fortunate.

That doesn't mean......

...I've always got a smile on my face.
...I don't have my sad times.
...I don't miss R.

It gives me hope to know....

...I have such loving and giving family and friends.
...I'm being watched over every day.
...Prayers continue going out for me. 

It's a bittersweet thing to be lucky and unlucky all at the same time.  I will press on!  I will do what needs to be done!  I will persevere!!         

Yesterday was a busy day for me - but I like busy --- I have to be busy...it keeps my mind preoccupied...it helps keep the blues chased a little farther away.  My boss P.O. came over at 7:00 a.m. and put my new mower together.  THANK YOU a million times over!  I had a warm coffee cake ready to shove in his hands when he was finished.  I was thrilled to have that done.  I went to work - had lunch with a great freind - went back to work - had dinner with my daughter and 2 of my grandkids.  Called it a day and slept decently last night.

I laid in bed and had a mental list of what all I wanted to accomplish today.  The weather was supposed to be motivating.......  it sure wasn't until later this afternoon.  But I persevered.  Got my car washed - pick up mulch at Lowes and came home...did my 5 miles.....what is with the wind anymore?? Everyday the wind blows and blows hard.  I mowed with my new awesome key start mower - the yard has never looked better.  (If I do say so myself.) I trimmed - pulled weeds -dug up a dead bush - spread the mulch out back - and I stretched those two large bags -- and it worked.   I was pretty proud of myself.  Then I took the opportunity to relax on my deck and take in the window of sunshine we were able to finally get after waiting all day for it.  My son is law called and took me to Steak & Shake with he and the grandkids for dinner.  My daughter was doing "Girls Night Out" tonight.  I was thrilled to spend a little time with them and eat one of my favorite sandwiches. 

My son called to tell me my other grandaughter was "mortally wounded today" and announced that she was "breakable".  And my youngest grandson found the potting soil today....  you can use your imagination here and it will be correct.  :) 

Thank you to my wonderful friends and family that checked in one me today.  I'm very appreciative to have so many people that care.  The days can be tough.  The days can be long and quiet.  The quietness is something that I don't handle well.  My mind begins to work overtime on those days and the emotions have a tendency to take over.  Time is a great healer - and I know that we all need to give it some time to do just that. 

I almost have another week under my belt.  I was able to join some friends last evening for "Girls Night Out".  I enjoyed seeing everyone and the food was delicious!  We have already decided we are going to do it again - soon I hope.  They are true friends who really care about each other and we have some laughter and some "almost" tears.  I did pretty good last night in the tearful category.  Sometimes it doesn't take much to get me going.

Tonight after work I put my big girl pants on and went to Sears and bought me a new mower. I had done my research - so I knew what was out there - I knew what I wanted - I knew the questions to ask.  I think the sales dude was impressed that I just kept rattling them off one after the other.  My boss helped me with a couple of decisions and wha-la - I was the owner of a big box that fit in the back of my new car and it says very little assembly -- my new mower! It starts with a key!  That is awesome!  That was one thing I insisted it have.  I need the reassurance that it will start when I need it to start.  They had 4 mowers that had key starts.
I am looking forward to using the crazy thing.

Yesterday at work I received a HUGE gift from all the employees.  I felt very very blessed.  I was overwhelmed and flaberghasted.  To those of you who read this - Thank you....thank you for helping me out - thank you for making my job easier being such awesome people to work with.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for going above and beyond.  Hugs to you all!! When I told my son about my gift - he made the comment that the blessings just keep coming......and they do......   It makes all of us feel pretty good.

Have a Fabulous Friday!

Today marks the 3rd time in a row that my mower refused to start for me.  Makes me look like a total idiot to those who might be watching the charade on my street.  Thankfully my wonderful neighbor came home from work and I pleaded my case.  He came right over just like the last time.  The time prior to that another neighbor helped me out.   So I did manage to get my yard work done tonight after work.  I kept hoping it wasn't going to rain until I got the mowing done.  The sun was shining the whole time.  I'm grateful for the people that are in my path just when I need them.  

I think I need my front yard rolled.  It's all out of whack - high spots - low spots....if someone knows anyone that does that - please let me know.  Meanwhile - I will be searching for the new key start mower.  I saw one in the Sears flyer tonight.  It also said limited availability - so I'm sure it will be my luck there will be no more in the state of Indiana. I love to mow so I will get this dilemma solved. 

I met with R's work people today to go over some important stuff.  Thankfully they left me have a little more time to make a couple of decisions. My boss sat in on my meeting and took some really great notes!  Thanks TB.  It was appreciated! R was always the one to handle all the really important stuff - he understood it - I was along for the ride and (thought) I would never have to know some of this stuff.  Just when you think you are done learning and your little brain won't hold anymore - guess what..... It expands all by itself and stuff creeps in there and sticks around and says - you have to do this.

I have to do alot of things right now that I don't want to do.  It's all part of my "new normal".  I'm not fond of the new normal.  But I am pressing on!  So thankful for a good job to keep me busy during the day.  So thankful for warmer days coming to allow me to get out of the house to get my miles in.  So thankful for people encouraging me and making sure I'm doing ok.  So thankful for my wonderful kids who are constantly checking up on me and including me on things. 

Never Stop Praying!  I Thessalonians 5:17


 

My first holiday without R. He was missed.  I was very grateful for lots of family time today with my daughter, son in law, the grandkids, my parents, my sister and fam and my brother and extended family.  Church was tough today.  Last week it wasn't as tough as it was today.  Maybe last week I was still in some undetermined state of reality not having sunk in yet.  I got through it and moved on.  There wasn't much idle time today which is good for me.  We had an Easter Egg Hunt for the kids which we all enjoy.  The kids thought it was fun to hide the eggs and then the adults find them....empty of course after they good their loot.  LOL  We had some great food and some laughter mostly provided by the little people. It was great to spend some time outside in the warmth of the sun and no wind.  Nice change.   Maybe spring is here to stay.  Keep your fingers crossed.

I'm focused on a new week.  A new week of continued "firsts".  A new week of still getting used to the "new normal".  I do appreciate everyone checking on me and offering to help do whatever I need done.  It means alot to me. 

May your week be positive and uplifting and may you look and find a small blessing in each day. 

So thankful for sunshine and warm temperatures today.  One more day of rain and I thought I might lose my mind.  Could of done without the wind - but as my (almost) 5 year old grandaughter says:  "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit".  May we have some more of those sunny warm days. 

Yesterday thanks to my wonderful son in law - we accomplished a few things that had to be taken care of - such as the bank.  With R being the primary account holder they froze my account as of yesterday until I could get it switched over to my name - so now that's done as well as a couple of other things for which I am grateful. 

Today was a busy day for me.  I started off the day getting R's car all cleaned up - it went to it's new home today.  When they picked it up they thought it was a different car.  It was a little dirty the first time they saw it.  So glad it worked out for all of us.  Then my best friend came and we enjoyed Dunkin Donut's White Hot Chocolate and then we went shopping and had lunch.  When we finished our shopping - I came back home and got my 5 miles in for the first time in a very long time - it was wonderful.  Then I swept out my car and gave it a quick bath.  Then I headed to my daughter's to spend some time with the whole family.  We visited a new restaurant in the area - I came home and made food for Easter Dinner with my parents tomorrow.
I was grateful to be busy today.... my mind needs to be busy.  I don't do well with idle time here at the house.

I had a surprise phone call tonight from a classmate of mine. She just heard today about R - it was great to talk to her and it looks like we'll be in touch from here on out. 

May you have a blessed Easter tomorrow.  I'm ready to end my day.  Good night all.  :) 

Strength is what I pray for.  I have a huge void to get acquainted with and it's not easy.  It's very quiet here.  There has been so much going on the last four months and now to have everything silenced is something I will have to get used to.  It's going to be better when it's nicer outside.  It was nice tonight after work - but I got my hair cut and then had to mow and then it was too late to pound the pavement.  I so long to get out there - put my sun glasses on so I can pretend nobody sees me - breathe in the fresh air - and just run!!  Just run to escape reality for just awhile.  Just to let my mind concentrate on nothing for just awhile.  To throw myself into a task with effort but yet mindless for just awhile.  I know the nicer weather is on the way - I know better days are on the way....  I really like this song - you can read the words below or view the video on YouTube under song title and author.  It's a very meaningful song.  

STRONGER by Mandisa

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger
Try and do the best you can

Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

It seems I am having quite a time of getting caught up on sleep.  Yesterday by the time I got off work I was so tired - I wanted to give up the day at 6:30 but held off until 8:20...so last night when it stormed at 10:30 I thought it was time to get up and realized I could read the back of my eye lids for a while longer yet.  And I did. I know it's going to take awhile to get my body back in sync... one day at a time. 

I have started a list of the multiple phone calls I need to make to get this and that taken care of.  It's hard to know who is the most important on the list. It's quite overwhelming to have to figure things out on your own.  I was reminded today that any decision I may make can always be reversed or changed.  I will remember those words.  In the funeral "package" you get 4 death certificates - remember that you will need about 4 times that number if you are ever faced with an unfortunate situation such as mine.  You get good at asking if someone can use a copy or do they need the actual raised seal. Most of them tell you they need an original - and of course they do. 

Friends invited me to dinner tonight with another couple.  It was very nice.  Funny thing - I was watching a clock on the floor and didn't realize it was an hour behind until I got in the car to come home and my car said it was an hour later than I thought.  No wonder the yawns started.  Keep praying for strength for me to get adjusted.  Tomorrow I hope to post this song I heard today called "Stronger".  I have not heard it in it's entirety yet - but I'll check it out.  Good night all..... I need sleep.

 A new week in my so called "new normal".  I went to church yesterday which was very tough to do - but I did it and it felt good to go.  Everyone made me feel so welcome and I walked out after the service holding my head higher than when I went in.  The rest of the day - I"m not sure what I am supposed to be doing.  I got nothing accomplished at home - I moved piles from one counter to the other.  I haven't done anything that needs to be done.  My daughter, her family and I visited one of "our girls" who just had a very cute little boy and then we had dinner and called it a day. 

I need some nicer weather so I can get going on my running/walking once again. My fitness routine went down the tubes when R became sick.  There was no time for anything extra when I was caring for him. I am more motivated when I get my 5 miles in almost every day.  This was the year I was going to strive to do the Fort for Fitness.  I guess it's not too late to get my plan in motion.  Maybe that will give me something to focus towards. 

I went to work today.  I can pour myself into my job and for that I am grateful.  I had a meeting after work so home later than normal and not much time to really get into anything - so I guess I am off the hook for being productive again tonight. Thank you to all my wonderful friends and family for checking on me - the phone calls - emails - cards - messages -  I appreciate them all.  It means alot to me. Even R's nurse called me today and left a message. She's very sweet. Praying for a restful night tonight.  Praying for strength as I learn how to live the "new normal".    

"Friends are the pillars on your porch.  Sometimes they hold you up.  Sometimes they lean on you. Sometimes it's just enough to know they are standing by." 

My Son's Tribute - Read at the Funeral of his Father

“treat her like a fragile glass figurine

My dad spoke these words to me in the final weeks leading up to my wedding. He told me treat my wife like she is a fragile glass figurine. “Hold her gently.” “Calm her nerves.” “Talk things out.” “Seek first to understand her.” The first time he gave me this advice, I thought, “No problem, I can do that.” Now that I’ve been married for almost a decade, I'm beginning to understand what my dad was trying to teach me. He was teaching me to love well.

His words remind me of the the words in the Bible as Scripture speaks of loving your wife as Jesus Christ loved the Church. Sacrifice. Servant Leadership. Dying so she can live well.

When my dad told me to treat my wife like a fragile glass figurine, I immediately looked at him and thought of every interaction I could remember between him and his wife, my mom. He wasn’t telling me something he wasn’t living. It took my dad about twenty seconds for my dad to tell me to treat my wife like a fragile glass figurine, but I realized in that moment he had been teaching me this truth by example for about twenty years. 

My relationship with my wife is better because of my dad’s decision to love, honor, and respect his wife, my mother. She is a better, stronger, and more fulfilled woman because of his love for her.

My dad's love for his wife was absolutely genuine. His love didn’t come from a selfish place. His first thought about anything in life was directed towards how it would affect his wife and his family first. His life and personal well-being was always less important than that of his wife and his children. That's love.

He taught me that love is both a fleeting emotion and a strong commitment to another person. Love creates the butterflies in the stomach and the desire to stick it out through times. Love makes hearts burn with passion and break with loss. Love boasts of the good and takes pride in the soul of another.  

My dad was my model for how to love. I’m deeply appreciative and grateful for the integrity of my dad's love for my mom. There was no other. She was his, and he treated her like a fragile glass figurine. His love had integrity.

My dad was always showing my mom his love in different ways. It may have been as simple as flowers or a short note, but I remember calling my mom’s cell phone one day just to see what they were up to and my dad had whisked her off on a short vacation. Once my sister and I were grown and enjoying our own families, these short vacations, road trips, and  bed and breakfast trips became a more common occurrence. 

I love that he loved.

I love how he loved.

I love that he loved well.

I love that he would surprise my mom with gifts and trips and flowers and notes.

My dad’s example of how he loved my mom is the single most important contributor in how I try to love my wife. 

When a woman knows she is loved well, she is not afraid to become the woman she is meant to be. The heart and soul of a woman is empowered to flourish because she has the continual knowledge that there is someone very close to her that is pulling for her. My mom is who she is today because of how my dad loved her.

My dad's love for my mom teaches me that my relationship with my wife, and her relationship with me, is more important than any reality we find ourselves in. A husband’s relationship with his wife spans through many different realities and the relationship with each other and God is the only constant through all the changes that come throughout life. 

Most marriages make it through the everyday realities of life well enough. But if the relationship is going to survive the difficult and painful realities of life, the relationship must be put on a pedestal. The relationship must be elevated if it’s going to make it through the most difficult and painful realities of life. My parent's relationship mattered more than any reality they found themselves in. If one were looking for proof, all they need to do is look at my mom and how she cared for my dad up until the very end.

The love my father lived out through the years has started a beautiful cycle. My dad’s love for my mom was infectious to me. I caught it and I am trying to be like him everyday. My sister is who she is today because she was loved well by my father. He encouraged her. He told her she was a princess. He propped her up. He told her she could do anything. He took care of her. He hugged her. He loved her well. Then she found a husband who would treat her like my dad had treated her. Now my brother-in-law and I are going to raise our sons to love well. We are going to raise our daughters to recognize what it means to be loved well. The cycle will continue when they grow and navigate life and model for a new generation what it means to love as Jesus loved.

May you love well. 

May you abandon what makes sense.

May you surprise the ones you love.

May your integrity be noticed.

May we all model the love of Christ as well as my father has.